That’s right, internet. Cracked.com has entered the wonderful world of Tumblr. Our new blog will feature easy-to-Tumbl links to the site’s latest articles and videos, NPR-worthy news commentary from our not-at-all-raging-alcoholic writing staff, and original content exclusive to Tumblr. Tell your friends! It doesn’t even matter if you like them!
In the meantime, we can tell you missed breakfast. And lunch. And maybe dinner last night. Check out the latest episode of our hit series After Hours, How Breakfast Cereals Brainwashed You.
Even now, almost a year since it aired, I hear how disappointing the Lost finale was. How none of the questions were answered or how it was stupid because they were dead the whole time, etc. While some of the negative reception is based on personal taste, which I understand, all of this “they never explained the polar bear and the whole show was purgatory” nonsense is based on people not watching TV very well. So, now I have this new blog where I can answer people’s stupid, stupid questions for them. Feel free to SPREAD THE WORD. If anything, the blog has a killer main image.
Hi. I’m a scientist. If you’re still frustrated about the end of LOST, you watched LOST wrong. Have burning questions about the polar bear or how everyone was dead the whole time even though they definitely weren’t or some other thing the show clearly explained? Ask a person who watched LOST correctly, me. Send your questions here, and I will get back to you in a sarcastically respectful, detailed manner. And like I say in the sidebar, try not to ask about Walt too much.
42 years ago today, The Beatles performed their rooftop concert. In honor of that, here is a thing I’ve been sitting on for a while that may never find its real home. I recorded it like two years ago, which is why it might sound like that. And now…
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Rhythm Bugs!
The Rhythm Bugs are a fictional band from the Americas. They are huge fans of The Beatles and they are only fans of The Beatles. They’re not a tribute band or a cover band. They are simply a band whose only influence is The Beatles, as evidenced by their fake British accents. They’re also not very good, as evidenced by everything they do. They are comprised of Jack O’Timmy (bass), Alexey Vlad (rhythm guitar), Jesse Feathers (lead guitar), and Richard Starkey (drums). They are all the best of friends and have remained as such throughout their long and seemingly endless career. They only recorded two albums (Ladies And Gentlemen, The Rhythm Bugs and Shove The Rhythm Bugs), but they tour constantly. They love touring. Several years ago, they were on the verge of breaking up until Alexey met his current wife Donna Seedjwick, whom everyone in the band loves except for Alexey. When they do shows, Alexey will introduce every one of his songs by saying “This one’s about me awful wife.” Despite his utter contempt for Donna, she is the one who convinced the band to stay together after all these years. Everyone in the band has shot at least one person in their life. In his spare time, Jesse Feathers likes hanging out with popular American sketch group Wally Brains and Grippson’s Trousers. He even appeared in “Tempo Town,” the sketch group’s parody of The Rhythm Bugs’ career. The band is rumored to be working on a third album. They are all staunch supporters of the Iraq War.
The above mp3 is their entire first album, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Rhythm Bugs. Here is a track listing:
1. Doo-Dah-Doo-Doo (We Love We) - O’Timmy/Vlad
2. N-Word Bird - O’Timmy/Vlad
3. Is The Love Inside You Lovely? - Feathers
4. Nothin’s Gonna Bring Ya Back To Me - O’Timmy/Vlad/Starkey
5. Doo-Dah-Doo-Doo (reprise) -O’Timmy/Vlad
6. Life is Loving Life (But It’s Also Loving Love) - O’Timmy/Vlad
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom; it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief; it was the epoch of incredulity. It was daytime; it was nighttime. It was hot; it was cold. It was England; it was France. Things were so bad they were good; things were so good they were bad. People wore hats; nobody wore a hat. There were fantastic restaurants opening all over the place; it was impossible to get a reservation. There was this amazing new invention called the guillotine; actually in retrospect maybe the guillotine wasn’t that great. Everyone was friendly all the time; everyone was jerks. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky; if I were you I’d take an umbrella. It was actually kind of funny; I guess you had to be there. There were a lot of great bands doing shows if you knew where to find them; those bands were overrated. It was an era of understanding; it was an era of wacky Fawlty-Towers-like mix-ups. Everything was something; nothing was anything. It was good for the goose; it was good for the gander. The following statement is true; the previous statement is a lie. In short, it was a time of extreme contradiction; no it wasn’t.”— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (via boringoldraphael)
I'm probably everything you hate about tumblr complied nicely in one blog, however it's worth noting that I've spent the last three days watching the Star Wars trilogy and reading every last page of your blog.
I thought I should let you know because I just spent a large amount of time doing it and I couldn't let that go unsaid. My point being, I love just about everything you have to say.
Wow. Thanks for reading (and watching). I think this just goes to show that the answer to “Can’t we all just get along?” is “Yes,” as long as it’s followed up with “because I’ve read every last page of Cody’s blog and have also watched Star Wars recently.”
I wrote this song and probably won’t do anything with it for quite some time, because it’s not really “lol make it a video” funny, and that’s all I have time for these days; it’s just sort of whimsically humorous. I like it a lot, though, and think it’s begging to be played by The Bernards. I’m sure it will one day because, despite what you may have heard, The Bernards will rise again. Anyway, here’s the demo. It’s about a weather report that destroys a news studio with weather. And, yes, I am aware that I pronounce “Spokane” incorrectly.
I keep hoping the last episode ends with Ted telling his kids, "So, how I met your mother is, I didn't." And then the kids disappear and we see that Ted is actually alone in a hospital bed, dying of three kinds of cancer.
I highly support that ending, especially if it means that Barney, Robin, Lily, and Marshall were all just doctors, nurses, and patients at the hospital, and he Wizard of Oz-ed them into the story.
Another favorite never-gonna-happen ending of mine is “And that, kids, is why we call your mother ‘Aunt Robin.’”
As a How I Met Your Mother fan, what's your opinion on Barney and Robin's relationship? The show lost me after building it for a season and then COMPLETELY DISMISSING IT WITHIN 5 EPISODES. Last night's episode was great, I cried forever.
I liked it when they introduced it because they had hinted at it since season 1, and I liked it when it ended because it made sense for the characters. One of my favorite things about the show is how they don’t do traditional sitcommy things with the story or do things based on audience expectations. They allow their characters to grow and evolve, and where the characters are in their lives is what informs the story, unlike a lot of shows that allow the story to inform the characters’ actions. Neither Barney nor Robin were ready for each other when they got together, and they didn’t last long because they wouldn’t have. But, instead of just saying “Well, they’ll get back together later on, just cuz,” the writers are letting the characters evolve to the point where they can stay together. I think Robin’s relationship with Don helped, and Barney still needs to deal with his mother/father issues and grow up. This season seems to be setting all of that up, and I think they will drift back to each other before the show’s over. The season in general is really well-crafted, and looks like it’s working towards getting all of the characters to where they need to be to end the show. Barney and Robin are growing to the point where they can actually last together, and recent episodes look like they’ll be the catalyst for Marshall getting back to his roots of being an environmental lawyer. I also really hope all of this Zoe nonsense is a clever piece waiting to be played, instead of another “And then Ted liked a blonde girl but it didn’t work out again” story.
I’m sorry you’re going to cry forever. That’s going to make life pretty hard. But, yeah, last night’s episode was pretty emotional for a 22-minute sitcom.
A lot of people have told me How I Met Your Mother is pretty awful. They say you're dumb and a little stupid even and they feel bad for you. Anyway that's all.
This anonymous person sounds like a real wad.
I got this everythingforever person (Austin) to start watching HIMYM against his better judgment, and he’s had some problems with it that I’ve understood but not necessarily agreed with. I’d feel bad about it, except for the fact that he’s watched all 5 1/2 seasons in less than a week. How’s that show you hate, Austin? PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
I’ve actually had some issues with the show myself, mostly last season. I think the creators had the same problems, and this season has really worked on correcting them. Last night’s episode was damn great. It wasn’t really funny and I don’t think I laughed once, but it was great. Damn great.