I was just wondering if John Mayer has Followed you yet?I read that article on cracked that you wrote about him and his jerkiness and I have reblogged him and he has not followed me yet.
He still hasn’t followed me, although I have a sneaking suspicion that he regularly checks in with my business anyway. He thinks he’s messing with me, but he is just playing into my hands. Also I have clearly become paranoid and insane.
I miss the days when all I would do in my free time was play the first version of (the video game) Halo. The game was perfect. It was so balanced in terms of risk vs reward you could lose yourself in it for hours, if not days. People would plan to meet up only to challenge each other to…
First of all, J. May, stop pandering to me or get on the “following Cody on Tumblr” train. I was straight-up talking about Halo with my friend last night. Seeing this post of yours just hours later is downright weird. You might as well just fucking follow me, because not only are you clearly visiting my blog daily, but you are apparently hacking my e-mail and reading my gchats. You’re goddamn creepy.
Also, while I agree that the first Halo is tits… “In person multiplayer only?” Shut up. What if you’re having that Halo party you mentioned, but some of your friends are out of town? What are they supposed to do? Listen to Continuum on a loop and cry-sturbate themselves to sleep? That’s mean, J. May. You’re mean.
Interesting LOST theories about Christian Shephard. I'll concede that for now because I have further pressing LOST questions. Let's talk about the numbers: Since we're inclined to associate the numbers with "Bad luck," was that bogus? Was merely a "you make your own luck" moral all that was to come out of them? Also, how do you attribute the numbers as being the candidate's calling to this association? Obviously Jacob has some sort of prescience due to Locke's injury, etc., but the question is, why would he choose the last "six" arbitrarily instead of just the last "number." Why wouldn't he say "8 and 23" or even just "8." Why drag Kate into it if she was just going to "become a mother" anyway. BASICALLY what I'm trying to ask is for you to justify the numbers in their context when they seem like complete B.S. on the part of the writers/creators.
A lot of this will be justifying, because I can’t imagine the creators knew exactly what they were doing with the numbers when they wrote the pilot. Though, they have said they had their master plan solidified mid-season 1, which was before Hurley’s episode “Numbers,” so maybe they did? Regardless…
I think a lot of this has to do with the Island as a character, which is actually one of my only almost-problems with the finale. The finale was so character-based, and the island was such an important character ever since the show started. I felt that it sort of got shoved off for the finale, though. That being said, I think a lot of the numbers’ effects and presence had a lot more to do with the Island’s influence than with Jacob’s. As they said in the show, Jacob had a thing for numbers, and I think the numbers he assigned to the candidates were just numbers to him. The Island, however, had a much better perspective on things. Even though only two of them ended up taking up the mantle of Protector, those final six Candidates were very important to the Island’s history, especially towards the end when it needed them the most. I think the Island put that weight on the numbers, not Jacob, and that Jacob sort of rolled with it. Jacob, despite all of his apparent wisdom, seemed to be winging it a lot. He learned a lot over the years, but a lot of his knowledge was just based on what he learned from his mother, archaic rituals like blessing the water for the next Protector (which Jack didn’t do for Hurley, and clearly didn’t need to in order to achieve the desired effect).
A lot of it also has to do with the game of chess Jacob was playing. Jacob gradually saw the importance of those six numbers, and I think from the beginning of the show, he knew Jack was the one. Not the Jack that crashed on the island, but the Jack that he was to later become. As was explored in Lighthouse, Jack couldn’t be told he was the chosen one. He needed to figure it out for himself and “choose” to be the chosen one. If Jacob had said “It’s #23!” then Jack would have told him to fuck off in a “Don’t tell me what I can do” sort of way, so the numbers were basically a tool to get all of the players in place.
To summarize (poorly), I think the numbers were just numbers, the Island placed importance on those six numbers, and Jacob retroactively reacted to that apparent importance. Even Hurley’s bad luck, etc. I think all of that was necessary for the characters to become who they became, in order for the Island to get its way.
This is my current late-night attempt to justify the writers’ BS.
Hey. I don't know if you got my message because my phone wasn't loading. I said this:
I was going to see if you wanted to see Inception. Then, I saw you already saw it. After that, I saw you had a Grape Dinner Date set, followed by marriage. So I just wanted to ask this: Why Radiopantsdance?
Now, however, I see that your date might not go over to well. We could always go see another movie. If not, I'll be fine with learning why you chose Radiopantsdance.
Yeah, this fake Tumblr dating is depressing as fuck. We’ll see how it goes.
"Radiopantsdance" is a stupid, stupid thing. I went on a trip to New York several years ago with some friends. Substances were involved. In a successful attempt to annoy our girlfriends, one of my best friends and I made up and began singing a TMBG-style song called Radiopants Dance. It was to the tune of this, was sung in the most obnoxious of voices, and went as follows: “I’ve got a pair of radio pants and they make me look like I know how to dance. Radiopants Dance! YEAH! (YEAH!) Radiopants Dance! YEAH! (YEAH!)” And so on until the end of time. Neither of our then-girlfriends broke up with us because of it, although maybe they should have. When it came time to name my blog, I didn’t really care, so I chose that.
When I was a kid, probably around the days of middle school, I used to stay up late to watch stand up comedy shows on cable. I remember walking into class the next day and reciting the jokes I heard as if they were my own. I was betting on the odds that no other kid within earshot could have been…
Cody, my cat smells like poop. He is my best friend, has seen me naked, and never gives me those "sup, your boobs are looking familiar today" looks like other guys who saw you naked 3 years ago do. But you have to help me out, how can I get my cat to stop smelling like poop? He's on my lap, for pete's sake. Thanks, I really appreciate it!
Clean his litter box? Or get him a second one. Or teach him how to poop better. OR… and I’m just throwing this out there… maybe the poop smell is… coming from you? It’s like that urban legend where the poop is coming from inside the house.
My whole life I’ve hated going to bed. I like falling asleep instead. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed because you don’t get tangled up in the logistics. Falling asleep happens for you, even if it means waking up at eight to the sun assaulting your eyes while a block of metal videos are playing on VH1 Classic. Then all you have to do is scamper over to your bed where you can capitalize on how fresh the memory of how to sleep is and instantly dip back into slumber. Going to bed invites performance anxiety. Going to bed means you have to confront a final moment of consciousness. I’m not a fan. I hope you all fall asleep well tonight.
So after my reblog, it seems as though you went back and fixed your cute little attempt at a paragraph. “Fixed” might not be the best word, but you at least made the post moderately coherent by changing those instances of “falling asleep” to “going to bed.” Unfortunately, even after correcting the inconsistencies, you still have a broken post. Below is a summary of said broken post. I call it “J. May Tries To Turn What Is Essentially One Thing Into Two Things In A Hollow Attempt To Appear Interesting.”
I am J. May. Not only do I demand that everyone call me J. May, but I also absolutely hate semantics. I’ve always liked connotations and denotations, though. Connotations and denotations lend themselves to being a certain way and meaning certain things but also meaning other things. Semantics, though… Man, I hate that shit. Semantics can go fuck off and die. However, I hope you really dig connotations and denotations.
My whole life I’ve hated going to bed. I like falling asleep instead. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed because you don’t get tangled up in the logistics. Falling asleep happens for you, even if it means waking up at eight to the sun assaulting your eyes while a block of metal videos are playing on VH1 Classic. Then all you have to do is scamper over to your bed where you can capitalize on how fresh the memory of how to sleep is and instantly dip back into slumber. Falling asleep invites performance anxiety. Falling asleep means you have to confront a final moment of consciousness. I’m not a fan. I hope you all fall asleep well tonight.
J. May, within a single paragraph you managed to change your mind about which one you like. Do you even know what you’re trying to say? I really don’t think you do. Your attempts to be deep/interesting/human are ruined by your inability to convey even the simplest of shallow/boring/inhuman thoughts.
Beginning: “I like falling asleep…”
End: “Falling asleep… I’m not a fan.”
Dear J. May,
Be better at things.
Someone Who Hates You
PS - The next time you have trouble falling asleep, just go to your blog and click the “random” button.
Listening to Train play “Hey Soul Sister” from backstage. What a massive hit. Yea, it’s on the radio pretty constantly, but a hit song is all about the way the crowd reacts to it. There’s nothing like the reward of making the air swirl around thousands of people with one of your songs. Better than any of the spins or chart positions. I think people would write better songs if they aimed for the religious concert experience rather than the top 20. Train’s now playing “Drops of Jupiter,” a song that succeeds and succeeded at both, respectively.
I’m glad you like Train so much, J. May. Someone has to. My girlfriend loves Train, too. I think you’d like her. She doesn’t own a dress, her hair is always a mess, and she steals a lot. Sometimes I catch her stealing, and she won’t even confess! It’s crazy! She smokes a pack a day, too. No, wait, that’s me, but anyway, she doesn’t care a thing about her hair. She also thinks I’m beautiful. I can’t wait for you to meet her, J. May.
EDIT: Sorry, J. May, but I thought you might want to know a little more about my girl. She has a great family. For extra cash, her dad wrestles alligators. Her mom has a full time job working on carborators. Her brother falls pretty far from the family tree, as he is a mediator for the president. Hold on one sec… Yeah, sorry, gotta go. Here she is again on the phone! She hates to be alone (just like me!), so I think tonight we’re gonna sit at home and rip on the president. Seriously, J. May, I can’t wait for you to meet her.
EXTRA EDIT: Apparently she doesn’t want to stay at home and rip on the president tonight. She’d rather wear high heels when she exercises. God, she never compromises! She loves babies and surprises, though, so that’s neat. And she wants to be the Queen, but not really. Too bad she’s got an unusually-shaped body. When do you want to meet her, J. May? I totes can’t wait for you to meet her.
Okay, can we just do this already? I think it's about time I became Mrs. Dr. Mister Cody. Not just for the name, but also because thanks to you, I discovered the double-rainbow guy (AKA best thing ever in the history of all things).
I feel like we should at least have dinner first. Or, like, a TV dinner. Or a couple of grapes. Something, you know?
How come the smoke monster appeared to John Locke as Jack's dad before the smoke monster had met either of those people when Locke fell into the well? If we're hypothesizing that he moves along with the crash survivors and not the island inhabitants for some reason, how come? Relatedly, how did the smoke monster know to hide there waiting for John in the first place?
I’m not sure if we can assume that he moved along with the survivors when they were time-skipping. Locke (the smoke monster) and Christian (the smoke monster) apparently hung out with Claire for three years after everyone left, so if he did time jump with everyone, then he flashed back to the “present” once the wheel was turned the second time. Flocke did seem to know where Real Locke was when he had Richard fix his bullet wound, though, so maybe he time jumped with them and then once it was over, he jumped back to when the time jumps started, so for a while there were technically two smokeys floating around. Also, I don’t think Christian was always the smoke monster. For one, Smokey’s a liar, and that fact was confirmed when he got Sawyer to kill half of the candidates in that sub (and all those other lies). Also, whenever Christian showed up on the show, there were two versions of him: One wearing a suit and white tennis shoes (the one that led Jack to water) and one wearing different dirty clothes (the one that stole Claire in the woods and told Locke to move the island). I think Different Dirty Clothes Christian was indeed The Smoke Monster, as he’s the one who did all the things that led Locke to become Flocke. I think Suit Christian was either Jacob, a manifestation of The Island, or some kind of afterlife reality-crossing Christian that was the actual Christian we saw in the series finale. Either way, I don’t think the water-leading Christian was the smoke monster. When Jack was off the island and HAD TO GO BACK, he saw Christian at the hospital. Not only do we know that Smokey can’t leave the island, but this Christian was Suit Christian. In that very same episode we saw Different Dirty Clothes Christian on the island. It seems like something that was done very deliberately to make the distinction between the two.
I’m getting into the world of writing spec scripts and I have yet to get past the mental block that at this point it’s really just glorified fan fiction. I watch and like these shows; I don’t work for them. I feel like my time would be better spent rewriting the Star Wars prequels or something. But I need to write them and it’s slowly getting easier. I just need to get over it. And all that being said, this will probably be the best episode of The Simpsons in the past 10 years. Not a difficult task, of course.
Hey, I heard that this is a way to siphon followers from you. I heard it from your real-life friend Ross (http://iloveyouspaceman.tumblr.com/ follow him!!!).
Anyways, if you want to find out how to get paid to tweet DM me cutiee :):):)
Did you notice that JMay quoted HIMSELF on his tumblr?! I guess he is up there with Sarah Palin, who's making up words and comparing herself to Shakespeare and whatnot. Next he's going to be running for President.
Yeah, that was a little baffling. Just, like, post what you said and we’ll know you said it. He’d have my vote, though. Of course, the vote would be conditional. I think we all know what that condition would be.
I don’t care who you are, if you’re performing music with other human beings and go by a word or words instead of a name or names, you are a band. If your name is Craig or Gabriel and you want to transcend your overall Craigness/Gabriosity by choosing a name like “Box of Blue Cubes,”…
Hey, J. May. Just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely wrong about this and that you’re coming off as a real ponce by defending your clear and utter wrongness. First of all, part of her last name sounds like “light,” so maybe you should take that into account. Also, have you ever heard of Sting? “Sting” is a “word or words” that Gordon Sumner goes by. That doesn’t mean that he and his band are called “Sting.” It means that he, Sting, plays with a band. In fact, do you know what a name is? It’s a word. Names are words. Lights can call herself whatever the hell she wants and you can incorrectly label her as a whole band, but when all is said and done she is a singular person who plays with a band and she, the singular person, goes by the name “Lights.” It’s okay to be wrong sometimes, J. May. You don’t have to get all uppity about it and be a big human baby just because you were wrong about this. Acceptance is the first step to being less of a J. May. It’s not like you haven’t been wrong before. If you can’t remember any of those times you were wrong, I’ll point to the two most obvious. They are in the form of your filthy, filthy lies: You keep tweeting even though you said you wouldn’t and you don’t follow me even though you said you would. Seriously, a simple “Oh, my bad. I guess Lights is just one person, not a band” would have made you sound infinitely more likable. Instead you had to be all, “No, YOU are wrong!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I need a NAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!” I’d say go suck a pacifier, but you’d probably rather go suck a dick. By all means, go do that.
I took a five minute break from real work and improvised this because I thought it was funny. He Is Possibly An Enormous Person’s cover of They Might Be Giants’ song Particle Man. Like all good covers, the band really makes the song their own.
I haven’t seen it yet because I simply haven’t been able to. I haven’t read reviews, clicked on Inception links, or really read anything about it. I know it’s a dream heist movie and that’s about it. Yet somehow today, thanks to the internet, I’m pretty sure that Inception involves dreams within dreams and so on. Please tell me that we don’t find this out at the very end of the movie. That would fucking suck. I’m seeing it tonight.
Did the internet ruin Inception for me?
EDIT: “Nope. That revelation is literally within the first ten minutes.” “Naw, it’s pretty much there from the start.”
Thank you very much, dyinginback and thelandofnope. You’ve made not only me happy, but also those who were worried Inception was spoiled because they read this post.
I'm On A Parody Of A Satire (Also Some Of Me Doesn't Know What A Parody Is)
It’s been a while since I’ve checked in on YouTube parodies of The Lonely Island’s “I’m On A Boat.” These were all uploaded within just the past week…
I’m On A Bus - This is not the same as the other “I’m On A Bus.”
I’m On A Boat - Not really a parody because it’s just someone lip-syncing, but I put it in here because the video is titled “I’m On A Boat Parody,” so… you know… lesson in the definition of words. Also titling things correctly.
I’m In A Tent - This is my third favorite, because there’s no music and it almost never rhymes. When it does rhyme, it usually still doesn’t technically rhyme, because it’s rhyming things like “tricks” with “trick.”
I’m On A Boat - Don’t let the title fool you. This is actually a parody, in that they recorded their own vocals, changed most of the lyrics, and made it about fishing.
I’m On A Bus - This is not the same as the other “I’m On A Bus.”
Hi. I was looking through your blog, obviously, and I saw that thing about memes. I notice you said you hate them. What does that mean. A meme? Also, since you appear to know a lot about the internet, why does people say things like "teh" "internetz" and other weirdly misspelled words? I have not really ever done the whole social networking thing that most people do, so I don't really understand the slang. Would it be considered slang? Or just dumb people? What is LULZ?
A meme is a cultural idea that is passed on from mind to mind. Memes are most effective and prevalent on the internet, as it is the quickest way to pass on information. It can be a video or an image or a phrase or an idea, and the internet will grab onto it and run it into the ground until it is obnoxious and/or forgotten. You can find out more about memes here and more about internet memes here.
"Internet" was first pluralized by former President George W. Bush several years ago because he is dumb. Then the "s" was changed to a "z" because the internet gets bored easily. This got obnoxious before it got forgotten. That form of the word was also popularized by LOLcats, along with “teh” and thousands of other purposefully misspelled words. Cats are cute, but apparently they’re cuter if they involve text with poor grammar and spelling. In these such cases, it can be considered a combination of slang and dumb people.
"LULZ" means "funny" or "laughs." It started out as the abbreviation lol (laugh out loud), then made its way to LOLS, then LOLZ, then LULZ. "Bring the LULZ" or "make the funny." Incidentally, I also find it incredibly obnoxious when people put the word "the" in front of the word "funny."
In conclusion, the internet makes people sound retarded. I hope this helped. More importantly, I hope you stay as internet-innocent (“intercent”) as you seem to be right now.
Dear Doctor Cody Johnston,
You pretty much rock my box. You are funny and cute/hot. I assume you are str8 though, just a hunch really ..........aaaaaanygay, I guess I should get to the question part, I came with one question but now I have two:
1) have you ever tried to do stand up comedy? 2) you say ask you almost anything, what is an example of something you wouldn't answer? Stay sexy and funny Thanks
Hey, thanks. And it’s true, I am straight. Sorry. Answers…
I have done one-man comedy before, but I don’t think I could qualify it as regular standup. It consisted of either me doing purposefully bad versions of standup (i.e. - Someone with notecards and no charisma or a Larry The Cable Guy-esque character) or just comedy songs with jokes in between. So I guess the answer is “kind of.”
I haven’t yet been asked a question I wouldn’t answer, nor can I think of one I wouldn’t answer. I don’t even know why I put that.