December 2010
35 posts
November 2010
65 posts
IMing with my friend Bill, going back and forth between talking about Stargate Universe and The Walking Dead. The phrases “speaking of getting left behind” and “speaking of shooting yourself in the fucking head” have been used several times. And, yes, Stargate Universe is actually really great. Don’t look at me like that.
Hey! We're The Bernards! So Bend Your Knees And... →
My currently dead band The Bernards recorded two studio albums (Anapest Destiny and The Joke Went Too Far), and they are now both available for download at http://thebernards.bandcamp.com. Have you heard Waltz of Doom? It’s just one of many sicker-than-ill scum pop tunes you could be listening to right now! Fun fact: The title of this post is a song/chant we played at the beginning of every...
I’m heading to the Cracked offices in about a week (for about a week). Things will happen while I’m there, and I’m not really sure what all of those things will be, but I’m very excited about it. Now it’s finally cold where I am, and I am more excited. I like the idea of winter, but I just don’t like winter. I’d say “winter can suck my...
kasperthesardonicghost asked: Loved the recent parody article. I noticed that your articles seem to attract a certain type of hater. Most seem to address you personally, or write like a condescending professor. Fuck's up with that?
Oh, also, which AOC episode did you write?
Oh, also, which AOC episode did you write?
2 tags
“Please, call me Shirley.”
– Shirley Agnes Fitzpatrick
10/08/1923-11/27/2010
Watch“Funny: The Official Official Fuck You Parody”
Above is pretty much the only parody I’ll ever actually make. Full article here.
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The First Thanksgiving: A Tale To Tell 'Round...
I did not post this to Cracked because I wrote it while drunk and then just kind of stopped. Happy Thanksgiving?
The waves outside crashed against the side of the ship, tossing and turning as though a vivid description was just given. The sea was angry that day, but not really because it’s just water. Had the narrator known how to personify correctly, he would have, or he would have at ...
What The Beatles Almost Called Themselves
The Notesquitos
The Silverfifths
The Cicodas
The Treblocustaccatos
The Chordroaches
The Butterfugues
Playing Mantis
The Brasshoppers
The Centunepedes
The Rhythm Bugs
The Beetles
This Dan O'Brien: Must Love Stache →
I shaved this morning and already have a full mustache, because that’s just how my face rolls. Unfortunately, my face doesn’t help fight cancer this month. Help these guys raise money so they will not have worn caterpillar ghosts on their upper lips in vain. I’ll probably split my donation between the two of them because I’m so diplomatic (read: conviction-less).
...
“I was having breakfast at Starbucks this morning and there was this homeless kid sitting outside, I felt bad for him you know? So I bought him some hot chocolate, a couple of muffins and brought them outside to give them to him. When I was telling him about a couple of decent homeless shelters and asked about his story he just gave me this most awful look like I spat in his face. Apparently, he...
This is a cover of my second favorite song ever...
snakesonmccain asked: Cody, why aren't you following my blog like I pretended you said you would?
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getaydsanddine asked: At what point will the Pavlovian response of "OMGCODYJOHNSTONOFCRACKEDDAWTCAWMISFOLLOWINGME?!" wear off?
I've hypothesized it will disappear immediately after a Michael Ian Black follow, but again, these are just theories.
I've hypothesized it will disappear immediately after a Michael Ian Black follow, but again, these are just theories.
Harry Potter and the Yeah, It Was Pretty Good
New Harry Potter movie’s pretty good. I’ve never been a huge HP fan, but I’ve read all the books because I was willing to set aside several hours every two years to read them. I was always incredibly bored by the first two books/movies and I didn’t think the third movie did a great job, because it was the best of the books (because Sirius Black is the best character). ...
1st Grader Bullied Because She Loves Star Wars →
You should go leave a comment and let this adorable girl know how cool she is.
Harry Potter And The Tight-Ass Orgy →
Everyone’s all excited about the new Harry Potter movie tonight (“Facebook? More like HarryPotterbook”), so in the interest of being topical, here’s this thing I wrote a while ago. It was never featured on the site, but it has done surprisingly well. I guess people just really like Harry Potter and jokes about teenagers blowjobbing each other.
Whispered in the Neutral Zone by Steve: A Word... →
Below: The other creative force behind The Bernards reacts to the new Girl Talk record and I’m like “Yup.” I wish I listened to new music more, but I just… don’t. All of my favorite bands are from the 80’s and early 90’s, and I guess that’s just how it’s going to be for now. New Girl Talk is an awesome listen, though.
jordanhero:
...
WatchWhich Apocalypse Would Be the Most Fun?
New episode of After Hours is pretty cash. Probably my favorite so far.
1 tag
2 tags
This Is Some Quality Spam
Hello i am just browsing now in the internet and found out your profile.at www.cracked.com and it captured my intrested i desireded to drop few words to you i am miss martina dokie by name i will like us to hold a very good relationship with honest.and trust.my dear distance colour can not deny but love matters elot.please i will like you to send an email to my mail ...
I’ve been hearing a lot of people say that The Walking Dead has replaced Lost for them or that it’s the “New Lost” (Sorry, The Event), and I just want to let those people know that they are liars, or that they have accidentally misinformed themselves. First of all, The Walking Dead is incredible and don’t let any Cody tell you different. In more ways than two, it is...
Re: "Tumblr Won!"
Just because 4chan went down for a while, doesn’t mean everyone involved isn’t still a fucking loser.
The Most Depressing Tourist Attraction Ever →
Some friends remember this. Some don’t because they weren’t there.
codyjohnston started following you
intellectual-debris:
HOLY SHIT, CODY!
IT’S FUCKING CODY JOHNSTON FROM CRACKED.COM! FOLLOWING ME!
Yes, I shall fanboy for a moment.
Seeing this post just now was incredibly surreal. The whole “writing for a really popular website” thing is finally slowly starting to seep in. Not that long ago, all I was doing was making poorly-animated music videos about Lost and writing...
angrywithrage-old-deactivated20 asked: your youtube channel currently has 108 videos
were you aware
just thought you might like to know
were you aware
just thought you might like to know
In honor of Mclusky just, like, bein’ a...
Mclusky - Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues
moresongs:
Some days you just need to hear Andy Falkous shout at you.
Mclusky, rip me to shreds.
- Brady
A band I will always reblog. Thanks a lot, Brady.
stormwindjack asked: Hi Cody. Please tell me that everyone who said that we need to make BRBWorms from your last Cracked column, was being ironic, in the spirit of the article. Or do people genuinely not understand that the point of the article, was, 'meme's are stupid, just stop it already?'
That was the point, right?
That was the point, right?
