IMing with my friend Bill, going back and forth between talking about Stargate Universe and The Walking Dead. The phrases “speaking of getting left behind” and “speaking of shooting yourself in the fucking head” have been used several times. And, yes, Stargate Universe is actually really great. Don’t look at me like that.
My currently dead band The Bernards recorded two studio albums (Anapest Destiny and The Joke Went Too Far), and they are now both available for download at http://thebernards.bandcamp.com. Have you heard Waltz of Doom? It’s just one of many sicker-than-ill scum pop tunes you could be listening to right now! Fun fact: The title of this post is a song/chant we played at the beginning of every show. There was a dance, too, and you can probably figure out how it went.
I’m heading to the Cracked offices in about a week (for about a week). Things will happen while I’m there, and I’m not really sure what all of those things will be, but I’m very excited about it. Now it’s finally cold where I am, and I am more excited. I like the idea of winter, but I just don’t like winter. I’d say “winter can suck my dick,” but that would probably be the worst blowjob ever. Dear Santa Monica, please be kind of warm next week.
Loved the recent parody article. I noticed that your articles seem to attract a certain type of hater. Most seem to address you personally, or write like a condescending professor. Fuck's up with that?
Oh, also, which AOC episode did you write?
Thanks, man. You’re right, they are an oddly specific type of hater. Someone today wrote this weird half-condescending/half-complimentary essay about how they enjoyed today’s article, but they also said, “I think I’ve hit a point where I just feel obligated to hate you… I just enjoy doing it…” I think that speaks volumes to what they’re there to do/be. Those kinds of people will just always be around. Of course, I will, too, so I guess we both win?
My episode hasn’t come out yet; I’m pretty sure it’s in the back end of season 2, which should kick off in early 2011. The show is always so packed with subtle background jokes and amazing performances, I really can’t wait to see what Dan and Michael do with the episode, not to mention the rest of the season.
The First Thanksgiving: A Tale To Tell 'Round Midnight
I did not post this to Cracked because I wrote it while drunk and then just kind of stopped. Happy Thanksgiving?
The waves outside crashed against the side of the ship, tossing and turning as though a vivid description was just given. The sea was angry that day, but not really because it’s just water. Had the narrator known how to personify correctly, he would have, or he would have at least had someone edit this. Unfortunately, his deadline was upon him and he was writing in permanent ink.
Inside the ship’s cabin sat a protagonist-type, huddled in the corner and waiting for the storm to end. So, to clarify, the waves were so wavy because there was a storm. Jonny, the protagonist that was just mentioned super recently, was no older than fifteen. He was twelve, and he was quite ready to arrive at the new world. Not a moment later, he did. So, yeah, like five moments later, he arrived at the new world.
Plymouth Rock. America. A new life. A new rock. A new place of which to remember the name. Jonny had studied rocks since he was no younger than five- probably around eight- and of all the other pilgrims with which he traveled, he was the most excited to see the legendary Plymouth Rock. It was not yet called Plymouth Rock, but everyone on the ship was, like, crazy clairvoyant, so they referred to it as Plymouth Rock. They also all had iPhones. Jonny’s mind was abuzz with thoughts of bees, alarm clocks, and other things that went “buzz.” None of these things, to Jonny’s incredible disappointment, could be found at Plymouth Rock.
“What ho, Jonny!” shouted Jonny’s father, Emmenuel. “Land! Fucking LAND, man!” And just like that, the ship arrived at fucking land, man.
The ship, which I guess was called the Diet Fanta Maria, was not piloted by an “adult” or a “reliable ship captain.” No, it was piloted by Jonny who, as we’ve already established, was twelve. The ship crashed, orange soda spewed everywhere, everyone died, then they were ghosts, the Indians ate their ghost flesh and turned into zombies, nothing happened for a while but also nothing was what it seemed, and then America was born. Turkey. Booze. The end.
I shaved this morning and already have a full mustache, because that’s just how my face rolls. Unfortunately, my face doesn’t help fight cancer this month. Help these guys raise money so they will not have worn caterpillar ghosts on their upper lips in vain. I’ll probably split my donation between the two of them because I’m so diplomatic (read: conviction-less).
As some of you might know, I’ve been raising money to fight cancer this month. First, with the 5K I did a while back, (we raised over $3600!), and now through Movember, and organization that raises money and awareness by having men grow mustaches throughout the entire month of November, (over…
“I was having breakfast at Starbucks this morning and there was this homeless kid sitting outside, I felt bad for him you know? So I bought him some hot chocolate, a couple of muffins and brought them outside to give them to him. When I was telling him about a couple of decent homeless shelters and asked about his story he just gave me this most awful look like I spat in his face. Apparently, he goes to Georgetown University and is an art history major. Then proceeded to tell me the way he dresses reflects the tormented creative soul he is, and he was sitting outside protesting some shit about owls or dolphins or water or humming birds whatever the hell it was. So I think i just mistook a hipster for a homeless kid. Either way do you want these muffins?” — My Dad, meeting hipsters in the wild. (via brain-food)
It’s really easy to hate on hipsters nowadays. The internet loves throwing the word around, and oftentimes people don’t even really know what they’re saying. Everyday, some poor soul is mislabeled a “stupid fucking hipster.” If you listen to a semi-obscure band, you are not necessarily a hipster. If you wear vests or have a beard, you are not necessarily a hipster. If you are the guy described above, you are totally a hipster, and you are super lame about it. There needs to be more hipster awareness on the internet.
I’d also just like to say that I dress the way I do because it reflects the t-shirt and jeans of my soul.
At what point will the Pavlovian response of "OMGCODYJOHNSTONOFCRACKEDDAWTCAWMISFOLLOWINGME?!" wear off?
I've hypothesized it will disappear immediately after a Michael Ian Black follow, but again, these are just theories.
New Harry Potter movie’s pretty good. I’ve never been a huge HP fan, but I’ve read all the books because I was willing to set aside several hours every two years to read them. I was always incredibly bored by the first two books/movies and I didn’t think the third movie did a great job, because it was the best of the books (because Sirius Black is the best character). Fourth and fifth were alright, the fifth probably being the best as far as the movies are concerned. The sixth (book and movie) seemed like a really unnecessary pile of garbage. Opening credits, two hours go by, and then “‘Twas I who was the Half-Blood Prince, Potter! ‘Twas I!!! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!” Gimme a break, Hans Gruber. Then some bullshit about horcruxes.
ANYWAY, this was really good through and through. Everything was gorgeous and all of the actors gave it their all, even Daniel Blandcliffe. There was little to no filler and the whole thing was very dark, very adult, and very serious, but also MAGIC. The animation bit towards the end was amazing. Then when (SPOILER ALERT) Dobby died, this 8-year-old kid in front of me (bored by this part for some reason) went “pthpthpthpthpth” really loudly. I was the only one who laughed, and everyone looked at me. So, yeah, pretty good. Guess it’s time to listen to the entirety of Wizard People Dear Reader again.
Everyone’s all excited about the new Harry Potter movie tonight (“Facebook? More like HarryPotterbook”), so in the interest of being topical, here’s this thing I wrote a while ago. It was never featured on the site, but it has done surprisingly well. I guess people just really like Harry Potter and jokes about teenagers blowjobbing each other.
Below: The other creative force behind The Bernards reacts to the new Girl Talk record and I’m like “Yup.” I wish I listened to new music more, but I just… don’t. All of my favorite bands are from the 80’s and early 90’s, and I guess that’s just how it’s going to be for now. New Girl Talk is an awesome listen, though.
Yesterday, I was alerted by my favorite site ever, The Onion A.V. Club, that Girl Talk (the stage name of Pittsburgh D.J. Greg Gillis) has a new record. For those of you who don’t know, Gillis takes samples from a myriad of sources, (Ludacris, Black Sabbath, The Velvet Underground, etc) and…
EDIT: That Bernards video is from our “last show ever” and I just now noticed that one of the tags is “Korean guitarist.” ::chuckle::
Hello i am just browsing now in the internet and found out your profile.at www.cracked.com and it captured my intrested i desireded to drop few words to you i am miss martina dokie by name i will like us to hold a very good relationship with honest.and trust.my dear distance colour can not deny but love matters elot.please i will like you to send an email to my mail email@example.com you to know whom i am thank you and god bless you waiting to hear from you soonest
I’ve been hearing a lot of people say that The Walking Dead has replaced Lost for them or that it’s the “New Lost" (Sorry, The Event), and I just want to let those people know that they are liars, or that they have accidentally misinformed themselves. First of all, The Walking Dead is incredible and don’t let any Cody tell you different. In more ways than two, it is way better than Lost. But let me ask those people who aren’t reading this something… Do you think about The Walking Dead when you’re not watching it? Like, during the week? Do you go up to your friends and say, “Holy shit! Did you see The Walking Dead this week? They have a bag of guns in the city! What do you think it means?!?” Do you have a reigning theory of why there are zombies?
The “New Lost" isn’t a show that’s amazing. A lot of shows are amazing and there were a lot of unamazing things about Lost. The new Lost is a show that consumes you. There will not be a new show like that until I get to make my super hero sci-fi fanta-comedy. SPOILER-FREE: It will consume me.
IT’S FUCKING CODY JOHNSTON FROM CRACKED.COM! FOLLOWING ME!
Yes, I shall fanboy for a moment.
Seeing this post just now was incredibly surreal. The whole “writing for a really popular website” thing is finally slowly starting to seep in. Not that long ago, all I was doing was making poorly-animated music videos about Lost and writing Goosebumps parodies for my own enjoyment. The internet is crazy. High five, internet!
One of my ex-girlfriends is in law school in Cincinnati. I was just told that apparently all of her classmates know who I am, are appalled by the fact that we are no longer together, and give her shit all the time for cheating on me (high five, law students!). She suggested that I go to one of their law school parties, where they will most likely ask me for autographs. I think if that were to happen, I would get unfathomably uncomfortable and then kill myself. So FYI, people who hate me, just ask me for my autograph and I’ll kill myself.
In honor of Mclusky just, like, bein’ a band, here’s my currently dead band The Bernards playing Mclusky’s “Alan Is a Cowboy Killer.” It’s from our live album “No More Bernards!” which was only technically our last show ever.
Hi Cody. Please tell me that everyone who said that we need to make BRBWorms from your last Cracked column, was being ironic, in the spirit of the article. Or do people genuinely not understand that the point of the article, was, 'meme's are stupid, just stop it already?'
That was the point, right?
Oh, hi, ask box. I haven’t looked at you in years (read: weeks). The article in question is this.
I actually think the internet has blurred the line of being genuine and being ironic way too much to even answer the question. Also, the definition of “irony” has been so warped by the internet that some people probably thought they were being ironic even though they were actually just lying. So to answer that part of your question: I have no idea, but I’m leaning towards “actually want to make BRBworms.” I was definitely pleased with the one of the worms having sex with a bunch of worms.
And, yeah, the basic point was “memes are stupid, please stop,” although I do find some memes to be really entertaining. Most people participating bring with them this inherent sense of laziness, though, and that just makes everything less funny to me. With something like Antoine Dodson… Despite the fact that it’s from a news story about attempted rape, the clip is funny. The guy is funny. The things he says and the way he says them are funny. But then the entirety of the internet spends a week running it into the ground and it just sort of stops for me. It’s like when you pick a word and you say it over and over again until it loses all meaning. There’s no nuance or moderation when it comes to memes; it’s always FULL FORCE EVERYONE REFERENCE THIS AND MAKE YOUR OWN VERSION OF THIS NOW. It clogs the internet tubes with crap, so it’s harder to find the not crap.
Incidentally, Dodson opened the George Lopez show last night, which is probably indicative that the meme has become too tired to function correctly.