Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize. They claim he should be honored for his charity work and his “lifelong dedication to the well being of humanity.” By that, I assume they mean his lifelong dedication to making the kickass album Thriller (27 motherfucking years ago) followed by his lifelong dedication to practically dropping his children off balconies, somehow going bankrupt, giving out free llama rides, transforming himself into a walking audition for the government’s next alien autopsy, buying every single moon bounce ever made, and (of course) for the boy-fucking. Even though there’s pretty much no chance of that actually happening unless someone OF MERIT nominates him, I just… I’m just blown away…
Here are jokes. For Leno. If he were on HBO. And even less subtle than he already is.
"Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize. If successful, the award will be presented to him posthumously by a 10-year-old boy, which will undoubtedly make his noble penis rise. Cause he fucked little boys."
"Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize, which is an award given to those who have made substantial contributions to the well-being of humanity. When asked why they feel he deserves the award, they replied, ‘Because he fucked little boys.’"
"Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize. Previous winners of the award are Charlie Chaplin, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Jeffrey Jones. Oh, no wait, I’m sorry, that’s the Fucked Little Kids Prize."
"Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize. Are you kidding me? He fucked little boys!"
::Applause, applause, applause::
"And now it’s time for some fake headlines! What do you say, Kevin Eubanks?" Jay asks.
"Oh, Jay!" remarks Kevin Eubanks, quite cleverly. "Hahahaha… Oh, Jay…"
"You know we’re actually not even on the air anymore, right, Kevin?" Jay asks, his chin chuckling quietly at one of the upcoming fake headlines.
"Hahahaha," articulates Kevin. "Whatever you say, Jay… hehehe…"
"So did you hear about this, Kevin? Apparently Michael Jackson’s fans are lobbying to get him the Nobel Peace Prize…"
"Nah, Jay. I didn’t," expresses Kevin. "Heheheh…"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah… apparently, uh…" Jay pauses for a moment. His chin whispers a punchline to him. "Lewinsky?" he asks dubiously.
The crowd goes wild.
I’m sorry to speak “ill” of the dead, by which I mean Jay Leno’s career. I feel like Michael Jackson’s been dead long enough so that this is okay, because even though he only died a few weeks ago, his corpse is 11-years-old and will always be 11-years-old. His corpse will NEVER grow up!
It’s been a while, in my mind, since I’ve posted something I would deem “creative” or “productive.” It’s mostly been links to things I think are cool or videos of things I think are cool. This will probably go on for a while longer, because I am now officially making a web series based on The Game Helpin’ Squad for Cracked.com. The coming days will involve me producing the first two or three episodes so that the whole first season can be released on a regular schedule. If you are expecting band puns or a new chapter of The Big Big Meal (I’m looking at you, nobody), then it probably won’t be happening for a bit. Then again, now that I mention it, it’s been a while since I wrote any of The Big Big Meal, so maybe that will happen. Maybe.
I am reblogging something Ross reblogged, even though I also follow Paul Scheer, because I like and know Ross, whereas I only know Paul Scheer. Or something like that.
I will watch Entourage until it’s cancelled, because it is easy, entertaining fluff to watch and I still enjoy Jeremy Piven’s schtick even though he’s apparently a dickhead in real life (in Ari’s case, art imitates life). Also the show is super sexy most of the time.
In the spirit of Entourage’s late-to-the-gameness, I was amazed at last week’s episode when they mentioned My Name Is Earl and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as both being on the air. Neither of them are.
“In one of its typically late-to-the-game, random cultural broadsides, the writers of Entourage went after Seth Rogen in last night’s episode, calling his “ugliness…oddly fascinating” in a debate over whether the actor could land a Katherine Heigl-type in real life. Behold, Rogen’s amazing response when asked about the incident for E!’s Daily 10: “Yeah, those guys are assholes. I actually ran into Matt…Kevin Dillon in a Starbucks. And he’s like ‘you know, I’ve got to kind of apologize because apparently the guy who created our show doesn’t like you so much.’ And I said ‘well I have reason to believe because I think [showrunner] Doug Ellin is a moron from all I can understand so it makes sense he doesn’t like me.’ Luckily I never have and never plan on watching Entourage.””
The World's Worst LOST Theory (Brought To You By A Dream I Had)
Although all of the characters are actually “played” by friends of mine, to make it easier to “understand,” I have replaced my friends’ names with their corresponding LOST character’s name. Now to the wonderful theory…
All of Oceanic flight 815 knew each other before they got on the plane. They did not talk about it for reasons the dream will hopefully get into later, but rest assured, Oceanic 815 were already good friends before the plane crash. Why else would they be together shopping at Target? Proof they were at Target together:
"Jack!" shouts Claire from another aisle, "Look! It’s a Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen Mystery Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book!"
Jack looks up and glances at the book in her hand. ”Just like the one I got as a joke gift back in high school!”
"Exactly!" Claire exclaims.
Oceanic 815, as we all know, eventually left Target after they bought other stupid books and a bunch of donuts. Then it flashed away. However, not only did they all know each other before the plane crash, but they BUILT THE ISLAND. Yes, readers, the island is man-made. Proof:
Jack wakes up on some sort of platform. Sawyer approaches him. They briefly talk, and their dialogue hints at the fact that they are old army buddies. Sawyer has something to show Jack, and they walk through two double doors to reveal… an even larger platform!
The platform is enormous and is the size of a large island, because it IS The Island, only it is still under construction. Currently it is mostly made of metal and astroturf, and Sawyer and Jack grab onto a connecting rope and make their way to the top.
Looking around, they see the center of The Island is actually just a big pool. On the edges are all their friends from Target: Claire, Locke, Sayid, Kate, and all the rest. They all jump in and have a swim. Jack tries to talk to Kate, but she ignores him. He can never quite see her face, but he can tell it’s her. Everyone swims around and it’s a lot less spooky than the LOST we know. It’s also very crowded. Jack tries to catch up to a swimming Kate. His hand brushes hers while swimming freestyle, the pool in the island briefly turns into an actual island, then back into a pool and then a SPOOKY WHISTLE blows. Everyone needs to get out of the Island, because it’s now time for Monster Swim.
I think this scene from LOST is quite telling. Not only was Sawyer a large part of the construction of the island with his old army buddy Jack and Jack seems to follow Kate around like a lost (LOST?) puppy, but there was also a section where Jack briefly made out with Claire and felt bad because he thought Kate might have seen, which she didn’t. Also, Jack and Claire were not related during that scene.
So what does this mean for LOST as we know it? For one, it means that the survivors precede the island that we have seen so far in flashbacks and time flashes. Not only that, but they precede Jacob, as well. Perhaps they even built Jacob, and when they return to the present and find him to be killed, they will all look at each other, shrug, and just build another one. Then they can band together to destroy the smoke monster, which is clearly the enemy, because A) It was around during the construction of the island and B) It won’t let the survivors swim with it. I might even go so far as to say that the monster built the survivors, the survivors built the island and Jacob, and the island and Jacob built time.
Later on, of course, there is a scene where all of the survivors are drying off in a living room playing a Battlestar Galactica video game that doesn’t exist. Kate rushes in to reveal something important and
Jack wakes up to realize that his phone shut off while he was asleep and he was late for work so he rushes to get ready in a frenzy very similar to when he saved everyone during Oceanic 815’s crash. No one got sucked into an engine this time.
103 Billion Horrible Things About Reference Movies
I believe I have experienced perhaps the most important event of my adult life, although I am admittedly not an adult in anything other than age. A while back I walked into a video store going out of business. I think their first mistake was continuing to label it as a “video” store. They did have DVDs, although their inventory was primarily made up of something called “Vee H. Ess.” As they were going out of business, many of their titles were marked down considerably, so I took my time looking around.
After about 15 minutes of finding way too many copies of Failure To Launch, I stumbled upon two titles that were inexplicably sitting next to each other, the Dick Joke-Fest piece of crap Lord Of The Rings: Return of the King and the Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer masterpiece Meet The Spartans. I say “inexplicably” because all of the other titles were displayed alphabetically and by genre, and I mismatched the descriptors of the two movies in order to be funny. I glanced at each and I noticed the most baffling thing: Return of the King cost twelve American dollars, while Meet The Spartans cost SIXTEEN American dollars. For our overseas friends, that’s 7.36 British Pounds and 9.8 British Pounds, respectively. For our video game terrorist friends, that’s 1.47 Bison Dollars and 1.96 Bison Dollars, respectively. Realizing that this dickhead was trying to charge me 4 more bucks for Meet The Spartans (an assumed piece of shit) than for Return of the King (a confirmed Oscar-winning masterpiece [not of shit]), I did what any right-thinking person would do: I stole the motherfucker.
The “motherfucker” in question wasn’t Return Of The King, though. It was Meet The Spartans. I ended up buying a copy of Wristcutters because I felt slightly evil for stealing a movie from this out-of-business store even though it is an extremely over-priced and (assumedly) horrible movie. I left the store, got home, put Meet The Spartans on my DVD shelf, and forgot about it for quite a while. Weeks later, I did the unthinkable: I watched the motherfucker.
Watching the film was one of the most beautiful and painful experiences of my life. As a self-proclaimed “comedian,” I feel like the movie not only made me want to stab myself in the eyes because it was written by what I am now calling “no-medians” and it grossed enough money that it can be considered (in my eyes) to be a shitload of money, but the movie also gave me the fire to be better, stronger, faster (at jokes). If this garbage is being made at least once a year, there’s got to be hope for someone like me, right? Probably “wrong,” but at least I now know what I’m up against.
Somehow, though, I did not feel fulfilled. Something was missing. What was missing? A viewing of Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Superhero Movie. What did I do? I watched Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Superhero Movie (which is surprisingly not written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer).
All of these movies have several incredible things in common with each other. The most glaring of these things is obviously the fact that none of these movies actually feature any jokes. Not. One. Joke. Yes, they have references to other movies, commercials, and pop culture phenomena, but they don’t have jokes. ”What’s a joke?” you ask. Wikipedia (the most reliable source for what people think things are) claims that a joke is “a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous. These jokes will normally have a punchline that will end the sentence to make it humorous. A joke can also be a single phrase or statement that employs sarcasm.” So no, readers, these movies do not. Have. Jokes.
Some examples of the baffling lack of jokes:
Disaster Movie features one particular scene “lampooning” Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that for some reason takes place on the set of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. The characters look at a cave wall and see the shadow of a figure putting on the trademark Indiana Jones hat as the Indy theme swells up. We zoom out and we realize we were tricked! It’s not Indiana Jones at all, but the black midget from Bad Santa. “You’re Indiana Jones?” asks one of the main characters. “Indiana Jones, my ass!” exclaims the midget, then he proceeds to poorly use his whip and then get slammed into a wall. Ha. Ha. Ha. Here’s a joke for you, you big stupid movie: “You’re Indiana Jones?” asks one of the main characters. “No,” responds the midget. “I’m Rhode Island Jones.” Get it? Because it’s another state and he’s MOTHERFUCKING TINY! Sure, it’s not a very good joke, but at least it’s a joke. If I thought about it for more than 5 seconds, I might have even been able to come up with something better but I’m not a “successful” screenwriter, so I won’t waste my time just like Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer didn’t waste theirs.
There is another specific scene from Disaster Movie that deserves your attention, but I feel like you’ve had enough for now, so let’s briefly (yeah, right) move on to Superhero Movie. This scene involves that Topher Grace-looking motherfucker from Date Movie and Epic Movie playing a mutant quite similar to the mutant Angel (but with a hilarious twist!). He begins the scene hitting on the Mystique character played by Carmen Electra, who I’m pretty sure is the most bangable woman on the planet with the worst sense of humor on the planet, because she has huge tits and she has so far appeared in Scary Movie, Superhero Movie, Date Movie, Scary Movie 4, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, and Disaster Movie (She was not in Not Another Teen Movie, though, because that was actually pretty funny). Anyway, the Topher Grace-looking motherfucker asks her out and she literally says “As if!” Cue the entrance of Faux-Wolverine, Faux-Storm, Faux-Rouge, and Faux-Cyclops, who all look surprisingly accurate except for the fact that Cyclops’ sunglasses aren’t red, which doesn’t make any fucking sense. Faux-Wolverine, of course, gives the Topher Grace-looking motherfucker the business because Wolverine’s dating Mystique for some reason, and then walks away. The Topher Grace-looking motherfucker delivers a real zinger as they walk away, shouting “Asshole!” You shouldn’t have said that, Topher Grace-looking motherfucker, because you just made Wolverine angry, and you wouldn’t like Wolverine when he’s angry. They didn’t actually say this in the movie, of course, but I figured they might as well have because they’re so awful at making things accurate in this piece of shit that they should have gone the extra mile and fucked up the characters’ catchphrases. At least then I might have actually laughed. I wish Mystique had called everyone “Bub.”
So as angry Faux-Wolverine turns around, he extends his Adamantium claws and… wait for it… here comes the joke… he puts the two outside claws back in so it looks like he’s giving the Topher Grace-looking motherfucker the finger! Oh, wait, that’s not a joke, because Wolverine ALREADY DID THAT IN THE FIRST X-MEN MOVIE! The Topher Grace-looking motherfucker’s response to this is to use his powers. Everyone gets ready for a fight as a worried Faux-Storm shouts, “He’s gonna sprout angel wings!” (because that alone is terrifying, right?… God, Angel sucks…) He doesn’t sprout angel wings, though. He clucks and then sprouts chicken wings, which is responded to by his tormentors’ laughter. “More like chicken wings,” chides Mystique, quite cleverly, and they all laugh even louder, because the joke here is that a character stated what we the audience just saw happen. Comedy gold at its goldiest.
Another problem facing these movies (that is closely tied to the lack of jokes) is the overwhelming use of references, hence “reference movie.” Every second of each film is a reference to another, better movie. They do not make jokes about these movies. They simply present the movie as it was originally seen and then throw in a quick commercial for Pepsi, a dance-off, or a moment where a head-shaven Britney Spears sings to a doll. Again, no jokes. Just things we recognize as things. Disaster Movie does this perhaps the most beautifully by having the main characters be the main chick from Enchanted, Juno from Juno, and who I THINK is supposed to be Fat Albert (Because we all saw the Fat Albert movie, right?). These characters from movies that are not disaster movies go on an adventure experiencing disasters that are from disaster movies.
Speaking of Disaster Movie, I hate Disaster Movie so much that I’m going to delve into one more scene from it that “parodies” Jumper, because Jumper was apparently a disaster movie. Showing off to a girl, this guy who looks nothing like Anakin Skywalker “jumps” away to a kitchen and gets something from a fridge (for no reason and it is never mentioned again), then he “jumps” back and guess what? He’s lying on the floor sneaking a peak at the girl’s pussy! The girl swoons for some reason and professes her love for the jumper, who immediately freaks out because guys hate that, and he “jumps” away. Where does he jump to? Narnia, where Prince Caspian (because Prince Caspian was apparently a disaster movie) is holding a sword which the jumper accidentally impales himself on. “Little help?” Prince Caspian asks no one. “It’s the guy who ruined Star Wars!” Nice dig at Star Wars, movie! Except, wait a minute… Hayden Christensen didn’t ruin Star Wars; he ruined the Star Wars prequels. And HE didn’t even ruin the prequels. George “I Have No Idea How I Made The Original Trilogy So Excellent” Lucas ruined them by casting Hayden Christensen, writing all of the scripts the day before shooting started, directing all of them while he was asleep, and CGI-ing the life out of them (as well as ninety other things I haven’t mentioned). And while we’re at it, didn’t these guys spend an entire Epic Movie in Narnia already? Answer: Yes.
Possibly the most ridiculous and mind-boggling problem with all of these movies, however, is what I am dubbing the “Little Miss Sunshine Effect” (or LMSE). In fact, fuck it, let’s just call it “LAME SHIT.” LAME SHIT is when a character says a line from the script (that was thought about ahead of time and written down on purpose) that literally makes no sense whatsoever in response to a line that kind of made a little bit of sense whatsoever. Case in point: Meet The Spartans. Leonidas and his gang of super-gay warriors are tossing a bunch of pop culture references into a large pit. What is Leonidas’ exclamation at all of this excitement? “Little Miss Sunshine!” Not a fitting line from the movie, not a fitting line from another movie, not something that makes sense. Just the TITLE OF THE MOVIE. Maybe he said it because the faux-Britney Spears wore a Little Miss Sunshine t-shirt during her hilarious scene, but that was long before Leonidas recited the title (And even if it wasn’t, the line still wouldn’t have made any sense).
Another example of some LAME SHIT appears towards the end of Epic Movie. The four siblings from “Gnarnia” find the wardrobe again in their old age. They are quite surprised at this and express their surprise with dialogue along the lines of “Oh, my goodness!” and “Look!” What does Kal Penn say, though? He says… wait for it… “Chuck Norris rules!” LOLZ!!! Hey, guys, remember when Chuck Norris jokes were popular? Remember briefly after that when everyone stopped giving a shit? Remember in Epic Movie when something surprising happened in Epic Movie and Kal Penn said some non sequitur/reference (non sequirence?) to those annoying jokes about Chuck Norris that used to be popular until everyone stopped giving a shit about them? You should, because I just described it to you. LAME SHIT.
As a LAME SHIT afterthought, I’m not positive because I wasn’t giving the movies my full attention, but I’m pretty sure Borat randomly shows up in all of these. Even the ones that came out before Borat was a character.
Now, I don’t know if you can tell, but I actually have never watched Superhero Movie or Disaster Movie. I just searched for clips of them online and claimed that I’ve seen them because I didn’t want to subject myself to anymore of that brand of filth and I didn’t think anyone would be able to tell. Don’t say you could tell, because you absolutely couldn’t tell. Sadly, though, I have absolutely seen the entirety of Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans, which I guess gives me a leg up on you much happier people. I believe this also gives me the necessary knowledge and the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to predict the next movie from these kings of comedy, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. I see 3 possible options…
Quirky Movie - This would be a reference movie that primarily references the likes of I Heart Huckabees, Being John Malkovich, and any Wes Anderson movie. This would be impossible AND horrible for several reasons.
1. All of those movies are great, so leave them the fuck alone.
2. Most of those movies are meant to be funny, which would make turning them into comedies pretty difficult and very stupid. It would be like doing parodies of Lonely Island songs: Retarded, pointless, and mind-numbingly painful to watch.
3. As previously stated, reference movies already reference movies not found within their proclaimed genre. Case in point, the LAME SHIT incident stating the title ofLittle Miss Sunshine, which is a quirky movie.
Shitty Movie - This would probably be the hardest endeavor to achieve that has ever been conceived by man (or at least the hardest endeavor ever conceived by me, a man-child). Essentially, one would have to reference all of the aforementioned reference movies. How could this be accomplished? The best I can come up with after giving it literally seconds of thought would be to just make a really good movie about something else and call it a day.
Vampire Movie – I desperately hope this movie is made. Not because it’ll be good (which it won’t), not because I’ll see it (which I will), and not because I think it will fail (which it probably won’t), but because I’ve already written a trailer for it.
Yes, folks, with only some further ado (Ado. Ado! ADO!!!), I give you the trailer to Vampire Movie (originally titled The Last Half of Dracula: Dead And Loving It)…
Cue: Spooky music
We open on a pond at night. Spooky mist floats above the water. We close in on three lily pads, each of which has a frog sitting, unmoving. We zoom in closer and as they speak, we see they are each sporting a set of fangs.
Frog #1: Vam…
Frog #2: Pie…
Frog #3: Errr…
Frog #1: Vam-
Frog #2: Pie-
Frog #3: Errr…
An aluminum can pops up from beneath the water with the words “Vampire Beer” on it. The figure holding it emerges and it is Chris Tucker with fangs.
Chris Tucker With Fangs: Drink Vampire Beer, boyyeeeee!!!
The screen goes to black as a faux-movie trailer voice narrates title cards as they appear.
We see Kal Penn as a werewolf fighting with Carmen Electra as Busty The Vampire Slayer.
“COMES A FILM…”
We see Kal Penn’s Werewolf and Busty The Vampire Slayer fighting again. Busty farts. The Kal Penn Werewolf makes a grossed-out, goofy face as in “eeewwww, no she di-in’t!”
Anna Faris as The Chick From Twilight: You feel cold…
Topher Grace-Looking Motherfucker As The Dude From Twilight: Like an ice cold Pepsi?
Anna Faris as The Chick From Twilight: Absolutely like an ice cold Pepsi…
We see Leslie Neilson in Heath Ledger’s The Joker makeup.
Leslie Nielson as Heath Ledger’s The Joker For Some Reason: This city deserves a better class of vampire… And I’m gonna give it to ‘em… Now let’s suck some blood from that FACE!
“IT ABSOLUTELY DOESN’T…”
Topher Grace-Looking Motherfucker As The Dude From Twilight: I’m a vampire.
Some Random Character: Waaaaaall-eeeeee…
We see a bunch of fast clips from the “movie.” Most of them are just scenes from Watchmen for some reason. There are a lot more farts and there’s one part that “parodies” the Mac commercials where a character is all “Hi, I’m a vampire,” and the other character is all “And I’m a werewolf.”
“A BUNCH OF FUNNY MINOR CELEBRITIES WHO SADLY MAKE YOU WANT TO SHOOT THOSE FUNNY MINOR CELEBRITIES IN THE FACE FOR NEEDING PAYCHECKS SO BADLY THAT THEY GIVE AN INCREDIBLY PISS-POOR PERFORMANCE IN AN INCREDIBLY PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A COMEDY FILM…”
“AND HALF THE CAST OF ANY SEASON OF MADtv…”
“COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR… BOO!”
The screen fades to black and then the voice suddenly comes back.
“ALSO STARRING BILLY DEE WAYANS AS VAMPIRE LE GAT.”
Heidi Montag recently posed for Playboy. When it was brought up in an interview and she was asked if it was fully nude, she giggled, Spencer grinned like he was on the cusp of having his very first thought, and Heidi said, “Yeah it is, but… (giggle giggle)… It’s very tastefully done.” Women who pose in Playboy need to stop saying that their particular photo shoot was “tastefully done.” Everything in Playboy is tastefully done, because men have a taste for naked ladies.
So this is actually the song I didn’t do about Kate for JOKE many months ago. I realized that I kind of love the song a whole lot, so I changed the words in an attempt to keep the song alive in all of our hearts.
I have a lot of highlights to my day. Singing lullabies to all the little kids at the camp, having 8 hours of solitude and silence to do what I deem “important” work, the few hours I get to hang with my sister (tweets included), and sleeping are several of them. The above link is run by two of my friends from back home, and it has become another small highlight to my day. You should visit and follow and spread the word, because it’s oddly delightful.
A while back, my friend Jordan and I rewrote the script for Reel Buckeye’s feature McGannon. We added a lot of jokes and ended up changing the plot a little too much for their liking. The did not keep much, except for one of the characters’ names (Nursum Thurstee) and the appearance of a clown stripper. I believe the exact line is, “Hi, I’m one of those clown strippers from the news that’ll do anything you want.” Anyway, in retrospect this was probably a good thing, because now we can use all the jokes and the plot for our own movie down the line. The other day the producer asked me to write a song for the clown stripper to dance to. It can be found above. I admittedly didn’t spend a whole lot of time on it, but it gets super-clowny at the 30-second mark.
Here is a link to some website’s list of the Top 15 Greatest Flight Of The Conchords Songs Of All Time. I’m sorry, but don’t Flight Of The Conchords only have like 20-something songs to begin with? I imagine whoever made this list just looked at a full list of their songs, picked 9 that were instrumental or that they didn’t quite remember, and put the rest on this ***SUPER DEFINITIVE LIST***.
And FURTHERMORE… “Of All Time?” They’ve only been a group for ten years and they’ve only been popular for three. This list should be called “Top 15 Most Flight Of The Conchords Songs Of All Time This One Particular Decade.”
Newsflash: You can’t STOP Global Warming, short of shutting down every single factory in the world, destroying all automobiles, and hiring Mr. Freeze to use his diamond-powered freeze ray to cool the Earth. You can slow it down, you can make life livable during and after it, you can stop depleting all of our nonrenewable resources and develop renewable sources of energy for future generations, but you can’t stop it. It’s happening, as in right now. So, Greenpeace, while I appreciate the sentiment, please choose your words more carefully, or at least accept the fact that your demands are absolutely ridiculous.
Side note: How the fuck is a freeze ray powered by diamonds? That’s stupid, too.
I was watching the Sci-Fi Channel earlier (now called SyFy for some idiotic reason). Pirates of the Caribbean (the good one) was on, so I watched a little bit of that while I ate some tasty, tasty Skyline. There was a commercial for SyFy’s (seriously?) world premiere event of National Treasure, one of the worst best worst movies starring Nic Cage, which is saying a lot. The voice over went as follows: ”One man… clues… history… treasure… and a mystery 20 centuries in the making.”
Apparently SyFy does not know what the word “century” means.
Wide shot of the biggest mansion you have ever seen, sitting on a sea of clouds.Some fucking popular song I’ve never heard because popular music today sucks is playing.There are too many quick cuts and skewed angles to not make you throw up a little bit.Also, there are skewed angels, whatever that means.
We zoom in to the front door and go inside.The camera travels down hallways (with too many quick cuts and skewed angles to not make you throw up a little bit) until we reach Jesus’ room.He is hanging out with a bunch of skewed angels, whatever that means. They are all texting while they talk.
Jesus: It’s gonna be off the hook, man. I’m gonna get another car…
Skewed Angel #1: Aw, yeah?
Jesus: Fuck, yeah. My dad’s gonna create a Ferrari Limo Humvee for me. It’s gonna be off the hook.
Skewed Angel #2: What color?
Jesus: I don’t know. Probably broon.
Skewed Angel #1: Which is…?
Jesus: A color I asked him to invent. He’s also going to invent a Playstation 5 so we can all have Metal Gear Solid 9 tournaments.
Skewed Angel #2: Hell, yeah.
Jesus: It’s gonna be off the hook.
Skewed Angel #1: Who are you gonna have make an appearance?
Skewed Angel #2: Yeah, man. Ledger was sweet last year. He really (as The Joker) put a smile on our face. (As himself) How you gonna top that?
Jesus is speechless.His friends continue texting.Jesus goes back to texting, but is still incredibly worried.
Jesus: I totes forgot about a special guest. This sucks. I only have a couple weeks before the party, and it needs to be off the hook. What am I gonna do, yah know? My friend Bill had a party a couple weeks ago, and he had half of the Beatles show up. It was awesome, but I hate that guy… I could just kill Bill…
A light goes on above Jesus’ head, figuratively and literally.God is at the door, having just turned on the light.
God: Jesus, it’s time for dinner.
Jesus: OKAY, JEEZ!!!
Another shitty song no one actually likes plays. There are a lot of quick skewed whatevers.
Jesus sits on one end of an enormous glowing table.God sits on the other.They sip their soup in silence.
God: Betty got a part in the school play today.
Jesus: I don’t care!!! GOD!!!
There is more silence.
God: Are you excited about your party?
Jesus: (super mopey) I guess…
God: What’s the matter?
Jesus: I don’t have any special guests. It’s not a Sweet Sixteen party without special guests.
God: Well, to be fair, son, you’re like 2009 years old…
Jesus: That’s not the point, dad!
God: Well, I’m SORRY. What IS the point?
Jesus: The point is this has to be the best party EVER. Heath Ledger last year was just depressing and creepy.
God: Yeah, that guy really commits to his characters…
There is more silence.Soup is sipped.
Jesus: I want David Carradine. He can be my bouncer for the night.
God: Son, I don’t want to do that. After Kill Bill… his career is on the rise again.
Jesus: I don’t CARE! I want him for my party!
God: Son, this is MY Heaven and you will abide by MY rules! I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!
Jesus: You already did.
God: Oh, yeah…
God: Fine! Just… just don’t yell at me! I’m your father. Let’s see what he’s up to…
God closes his eyes.Darkness fills the room and light shines from underneath his eyelids.
God: Ew… Ew, God… That’s disgusting…
God opens his eyes.
God: Yes, son. You can have David Carradine at your party.
Jesus: Thank God!
God: You’re welcome.
There is a flash of light and David Carradine appears in the doorway.There is a belt around his neck and his hand is… sticky.
David Carradine: What the fuck is going on here?
Jesus: You’re gonna show up at my Sweet Sixteen. You’re gonna run the door!
David Carradine: Sweet Sixteen… you’re like 2009 years old. And it’s June.
Jesus: I don’t CARE!!! I want you to do karate or whatever for my party.
David Carradine: I don’t do “Karate or whatever,” kid. I do Kung Fu or whatever.
Jesus: Either way…
David Carradine: Fine.
There is a brief pause.
David Carradine: Now where can I get some freaky weird pussy?
Jesus: Downstairs and to the right.
David Carradine: Sweet.
Voice Over: We take one guy, and send him on THREE dates to set him up with the girl of his dreams. Only THESE dates are with the girls’ moms. Can he choose which girl he wants to date by dating their moms first? With their dads around? Tonight, watch an all new Date My Mom With My Dad Around! Also, buy Coke!
God: It’s been a few weeks, and the party’s coming along. I think Carradine’s had his fill of weird sex for now, which is making a lot of the angels more comfortable. I just know, though, that it’s not going to be enough for Jesus. I know this because I know my son, but also because I’m all-knowing. I can tell. This is just the beginning…
There is silence again.The glow of the table is dimmer, perhaps because of God’s slightly worse mood, perhaps because his eyes are strained.God takes a sip of his soup.Jesus takes a sip of his.God takes another sip of his soup.A fly buzzes by.Jesus takes a sip of his soup.God takes a sip of his soup.
Jesus: I want Ed McMahon to be there-
God: -Of course you do.
Later that night, Jesus lies down in his bed.He looks at the bottom of the unused bunk bed above.Adorning it is the world-famous poster of Farrah Fawcett on the cover of Life Magazine.Jesus has another idea for his party and then jerks off to it.
Jesus: My party’s definitely shaping up. It’s gonna be so much cooler than all of my other parties. Totes off the hook. Got a little David Carradine to work the door, Ed McMahon will announce my big entrance. Super-hot Farrah Fawcett is my date. I just need someone for entertainment. Maybe sing a song. Put on a show. Someone to really thrill them, ya know? Someone to thrill them…
God: I can’t believe you convinced me to do that, son. He had at least an album’s worth of solid material left in him.
Jesus: Yeah, but it would have been spread out over like twenty albums…
Jesus: Also, there’s all that stuff about the little bo-
God: ALLEGED stuff with little boys, son.
Jesus: I thought you were all-knowing.
God: Yeah, well, I also have this all-looking-the-other-way thing going on. Billie Jean rules…
Jesus: I also want Jeff Goldblum.
God: THAT’S INSANE!!!
Jesus: It’s my birthday!
God: Not really!
Jesus: I WANT JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!
God takes a sip of his soup.
God: Yes. You can have Goldblum, too. Christ…
God: No… no, I can’t do that. I want to at least see him in another Jurassic Park. And I hear they’re thinking about making Independence Day 2.
Jesus: So, ID4 2?
God: Something like that, yeah.
Jesus: That’s stupid! This whole party is going to be stupid! I want Goldblum!
Jesus: I HATE YOU!!! I HAAAAAATE YOU!
God: You know who you sound like, don’t you?
Jesus: … Satan…
God: I was actually going to say “Anakin Skywalker.” You sound like whiny little baby Anakin Skywalker in Revenge Of The Sith.
Jesus: That’s so mean! Why are you so mean to me? I HATE YOU!
God: You still sound like him. Calm down.
Jesus: I… fine… If I can’t have Goldblum… who can I have?
God: You already have four celebrities showing up for your party. You can have Steve Irwin again, if you want.
Jesus: That is so three years ago! BORING!!!
God: Fine… You have someone to work the door, someone to announce you when you come in, you have a date, you have the entertainment… Jesus, who else do you fucking need, Jesus?
Jesus: I want someone to send out the invitations for me. Someone to really sell the party as the best party ever. A super party. A really state-of-the-art party.
God: Anyone particular in mind?
Jesus: I don’t know… someone who wears a lot of blue…
Jesus: Someone with a beard.
God: Son, are you setting me up for a joke, or do you actually want Billy Mays?
Jesus: I actually want Billy Mays.
God: Fine, fine, fine! This is the last one, though. You hear me!?!? The LAST ONE!
Jesus: Okay, FINE! I don’t CARE! I just want to have a great party!
God: I know, son, but you always have a great party. It’s always “off the hook.” What’s so special about this one?
Jesus: Bea Arthur’s coming this year…
Jesus: You KNOW I have a crush on her. I want to make her jealous. Show her what she’s missing.
God: She’s just not into you, buddy. Get over it.
Jesus: YOU get over it.
God: I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO GET OVER!!!
Jesus: DON’T YELL AT ME!!!
God: WELL QUIT ACTING LIKE A LITTLE SHIT!
There is silence.Jesus weeps. God sips his soup and looks up. He hovers over to Jesus’ side of the table.
God: Listen… Jesus…
Jesus: NO! It’s all your fault! You’re holding me back! I HATE you!
God: You sound like Anakin again.
Jesus looks up at God with holy puppy dog eyes. He whimpers.
Jesus: I just want one more.
God: Fine… One more…
Jesus: Someone athletic…
God: If you say Steve Mcnair, I’ll kill you.
Jesus: You already did, dad.
God: Oh, yeah…
God: Fine, you can have Steve McNair…
Jesus: I love you, dad.
God and Jesus hug. Some more shitty music plays.
God: I couldn’t get the Playstation 5, son.
Jesus: GODDAMMIT!!! I HATE YOU!!!
Jesus: The party was a complete success. Totes off the hook. Everyone was super-impressed with how many celebrities I got to come to my party. I guess I kind of feel bad for everyone on Earth, though. They must have had a pretty shitty month.
Michael Bay? More Like Michael "Attracted To Dudes"
Michael Bay (aside from his habit of focusing his movies on explosions, Linkin Park songs, and big ‘ol titties) has never really grasped the concept of story and the need for logic within a story. I have not seen Transformers 2, but feel free to check out this “review” of it for everything you need to know to make you never want to see that film.
Michael Bay is now working on a new project called “I Am Number Four.” Here is the synopsis:
“The story is about a group of nine children from a planet called Lorien who have been attacked by a hostile race from another planet. The nine and their guardians evacuate to earth, where three are killed. The protagonist, a Lorien boy named John Smith, hides in Paradise, Ohio, as a human and tries to evade his predators.”
"The protagonist is 15. The rival race of aliens are from the planet Mogadore. They destroyed Lorien in order to strip the planet of its natural resources because Mogadore was dying, and still is, and they followed the Loric to Earth to finish the job. The Loric develop their “Legacies” (special powers) around their fifteenth year."
I’ll ignore the mention of these “Legacies,” even though that sounds retarded. And I’ll even ignore how retarded naming your alien protagonist “John Smith” is. And they find sanctuary in a town called “Paradise?” Really? Are you writing this shit for children? Apparently yes, because the movie is actually based on a soon-to-be-released series of young adult sci-fi books by A Million Little Pieces author James Frey (his penchant for lying will I’m sure help him write some wicked sci-fi).
Even though Michael Bay isn’t writing the source material, he is deciding to adapt these as of yet unwritten books into a film. Therefore, he is just as much to blame for this as James Frey (James Frey? More like James “Attracted To Dudes”).
Michael Bay, you are a moron.
A) Mogadore was dying, so they destroyed Lorien to strip the planet of its natural resources? That sounds an awful lot like Independence Day, because it sounds exactly like Independence Day.
B) They follow the Loric to finish the job? They finished the job when everyone LEFT THE FUCKING PLANET. Do you really need to follow 9 stragglers to some far away place when you have a perfectly good decimated planet (that you JUST decimated) to syphon from? The answer is, “No, we don’t need to follow 9 stragglers to some other planet when we have a perfectly good decimated planet (that we JUST decimated) to syphon from.” In the words of Pink Floyd: ”Hey! Mogadorians! Leave those Loric alone! All in all it’s just another brick in the illogical story decisions.”
Also, you had me at “series of young adult sci-fi books.” You lost me at “It’s not Animorphs.”
I found this on my computer. It’s a “horrific” and “song-ish” demo my friend Jordan and I recorded in shitty GarageBand back in January for funzies. We wanted to at some point play it live or put it on The Joke Went Too Far EP, but that never happened for so many reasons. It’s classic Bernards, in that it’s way too fast. I like the riff and when we sing different verses at the same time. OH WELL, RIGHT?!?!?