Yesterday on December 9th, The Dark Knight DVD hit store shelves across the country from New York to LA to the real life Gotham City, Wyoming where Batman resides. Poised to become the highest-grossing film of all time when it returns to theaters in January, The Dark Knight has already beaten out each Star War, all of the wizard films, and each Pirate-themed Johnny Depp movie, although it has yet to surpass the domestic gross for Cry Baby and Star Trek 8: Cry Baby.
None of that might matter, though, as the DVD sales numbers have come in and they are truly staggering. It seems everyone in America each bought at least 3 copies of the film. Even director Christopher Nolan stocked up for the holiday season. “I’m going to give them out to all my friends and family for Christmas and sometimes Hanukkah,” explained Nolan. “I know they all loved it because they bought so many copies already, and who couldn’t use an extra copy?”
In just the first day, the film has sold over 873 billion copies, which adds up to well over several trillion dollars. Seth Anne Krisskross, a spokesman for Warner Brothers, had this to say: “H-h-h-h-h-h-h-hoooooooooly shit!” The colossal amount of money, however, is not going to the studio or the director or the production team. It is going straight to the government for redistribution and stimulation of the economy.
"These movie bucks are gonna kick start the country back up again," says Still President George W. Bush. "Just like when you kick start a good old-fashioned Texas Texas Texas." He paused a moment to maybe think of a better analogy, metaphor, or simile. "Or it’s just like that good old-fashioned Texas band, Kick Startin’ The Country Back Up Again." Bush is eerily right about this, as Kick Startin’ The Country Back Up Again’s debut album was called "Batman Beats Recession."
The money will be used extremely liberally to bail out pretty much anyone who asks. Danby Robes, a student at The College University, is experiencing moderately tough times and put in a request. “Rent’s coming up and, you know, I’m living off student loans and my parents. It’s gonna be hard, especially cause I saw this super cool bag of weed at the store the other day. I really want it.” Danby was given one million dollars.
Even the likes of Batman and Heath Ledger’s ghost have received copies of the film. The ghost’s DVD was sent to a dark alley where all jokes about Heath Ledger are sent to be reprimanded. Batman doesn’t seem to mind the jokes, though. “People say it’s insensitive, but if you can’t laugh at anything, what can you laugh at? Nothing?” queries The Batman. “I’ll tell you what is insensitive. These people who haven’t bought a Dark Knight DVD yet. And, you know, call me insensitive, but those faggots are retarded.” Then he said “Look over there!” and disappeared.
Batman with his friends on Halloween.