December 2008
32 posts
Dark Knight DVD Sales Solve Economic Crisis
Yesterday on December 9th, The Dark Knight DVD hit store shelves across the country from New York to LA to the real life Gotham City, Wyoming where Batman resides. Poised to become the highest-grossing film of all time when it returns to theaters in January, The Dark Knight has already beaten out each Star War, all of the wizard films, and each Pirate-themed Johnny Depp movie, although it has yet...
This morning, a preacher on the radio was arguing (aka “preaching”) that God clearly wrote the Bible. He (God) just happened to have written it from Man’s point of view. That’s fine. That’s the kind of mild crazy I expect from these hipcats. The preacher’s argument, however, was the following direct quote: “The Bible says ‘The Lord is my...
Galactica Actual: Sacrifice (We Miss Billy)
...
Uptight Finnigan's Parade: The Prequel
So it’s been brought to my attention by more than three people that the post below, “Uptight Finnigan’s Parade” makes no sense and “what the fuck?” and so on. Originally it was just the title for a post about my experience seeing the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Touring Company. It began with some general and also specific praise for the 8th floor, who...
If It Were A Snake, It Actually Would Have Just...
I wasn’t looking for my fucking keys, I was looking for my pet shark Tooth Man Slumbers. And, yes, I should have found him earlier, but that guy is wily as a road runner high speed online. I had taken him out of the tank for his weekly air bath, and wouldn’t you know it, but the phone rang! So I leave him for MAYBE three minutes to yell at someone… I’m actually not sure who and now that I...
My Twitter (November)
Finally killed my bird! 4:32 PM Nov 29th from web
Dude, the soundtrack to The Two Towers totally syncs up with the movie of Return of the King 3:29 AM Nov 27th from web
I did NOT order this!!! 6:24 PM Nov 26th from text
think my gramophone’s finally broken 2:11 PM Nov 26th from web
Tacos were good. Fucking was better. 8:47 PM Nov 25th from web
Only five more liters! 10:19 AM Nov 24th from...
Galactica Actual: Jammin’ On Gemenon...
Uptight Finnigan's Parade
Uptight Finnigan was an eastern proto-punk/classical-rap fusion band from Milwaukee. There were a questionable number of members and they were all a little semi-retarded. Every year, to make the band feel better, the people of Milwaukee would throw a big parade where everyone would throw guitars at each other. The one or more band member or band members died or fell asleep in an elevator last...
Feed Store Owner Challenges College Students to...
MELANOR, OHIO - Local down-home old country treasure and international movie star want-to-be-er Douglass “Old Doggins” Doggins has been a mainstay of the Melanor strip mall since the end of the Smock Wars. In those days, feed sold like food, and no one was complete without a stop by Old Doggins’ place. It seemed like everyone had a need for feed, and that feed was fine indeed,...
Interviewin' with Dr. Mister Cody
I recently had the “opportunity” to sit down with the incomparable Britney Spears. Incomparable if you are trying to compare her to something that doesn’t exist. Anything else, she would be easily compared to whatever that anything else is…
Dr. Mister Cody: Thanks for your time, Ms. Spears. Britney Spears: Huh? Dr. Mister Cody: So your life must be pretty crazy. I...
ugh
I am having a crazy nutjob of a day at work. I am now at lunch, and I am so thrilled to be at lunch. Here are some names and words that do not rhyme with lunch:
Laxative, nationwide, Salacious Crumb, feathery, March Madness, indemnity, fungasm, Honus Gumbone, rectify, lynch, carnationwide, Felatious Cum, wreath, and step-ball-change.
Goodbye forever.
The Curse of The Moongician (And Other Tales To...
Today’s Nightmare…
NOW YOU INVISIBLE, NOW YOU DON’T INVISIBLE
Nearly never noticed, Nathan would have been known as Nearly Never Noticed Nathan, but no one knew his name. He was most often referred to as “Excuse me, guy” or nothing at all. Quite honestly, he preferred nothing at all, because he could then pretend he was in a fight with whomever was ignoring him.
He...
A submission from National Public Radio. A live...
Spring Movie Preview
This appeared in Cracked Magazine about a year and a half ago, before it became not a magazine anymore. It’s probably still funny, so here it is…
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT
Goosebumps fans rejoice! M. Night “M. Night Shyamalan” Shyamalan is turning your favorite childhood spook series into a movie! The first installment is about a...
November 2008
39 posts
Adult I'm Speaking To Clearly Just Little Kid On...
Listen, “sir,” I know you think you’re being clever. I know you think you’re fooling me big time and it’s only a matter of seconds before I approve this loan for you over the phone, but you need to know two things. One: That’s not how banks operate. You need to come in and fill out a loan application and we will discuss it face to face. Which brings me to Two: You will never come in and...
The Failed Thanksgiving Song
There are very few...
He was not full yet, but he knew he had quite a bit of meal left. Of course, he had no time to think about that now. Quickly, he ducked behind the bar as lasers whizzed by his head.
“Damn you, Dr. Colossotrope!” he shouted. ”Let the girl go!”
Dr. Colossotrope sent another barrage of lasers into the bar and began to cackle a fearsome high-pitched cackle.
“You...
Local Tweens Totes Caught Texting Behind Roller...
This past Tuesday, a collection of tweens were for reals seen texting behind the Dry Hump Roller Rink on 5th and Grind. The tweens seemed to think no one could see them texting, but we totes could. Apparently, the back parking lot of this particular roller rink is a hot spot for the local tweenagers to text in an adult-free zone. “The ‘dults just don’t get it,” says...
