No more than 6 years ago, if you were in high school, you could log onto the school’s computers and go to www.whitehouse.com. What you would find is porn (pictures of naked ladies at school). “www.whitehouse.gov” was the White House’s website. “.com” was porn. It’s just a bunch of ads for financial aid now. To all you high schoolers who frequent here (no one), I hope for your sake there’s a www.cia.tits.
I am at a coffee house/bar right now, enjoying some free wi-fi and some beer, writing jokes or whatever for my job writing jokes or whatever. I am surrounded by beautiful girls and their laptops. The below is not an actual conversation I have had yet, because pretty girls often scare me. I assume, though, that this is about how that conversation would go.
Me:Hi, I'm Cody, and I couldn't help but notice you're super cute.
Girl:Oh, yeah? What do you do?
Me:I write for a comedy website. Cracked.com.
Girl:Oh, yeah? What's that?
Me:It's this comedy website.
Me:But, like, not like the magazine. The magazine went under.
Me:But there's still a website.
Me:It's really popular, according to the site traffic.
They Might Be Giants, pretty much my favorite band ever for some reason, apparently just came out with a new album/DVD (buy it for me) that is only songs about science. It’s called “Here Comes Science” and it does not include any of the songs on their previous two children’s albums (they also make music for adults). I found some of the songs on YouTube, and they’re delightful, so I’m posting them here. These guys make me want to quit my job writing dick jokes and just make silly informative children’s programming, of which there is little nowadays. But I won’t.
If you’ve been keeping up on the riveting comments section of Dr. Mister Blog, you might have noticed two things. There is a general consensus of 1) “Who is this ‘Cody’ person and why does he suck?” and 2) “Did someone hack into the site?” Both good questions.
On the first topic, I have been getting e-mails and messages along the lines of “don’t let them get you down.” I assure you, I am not. I kind of love it. Everything I posted on there is not something that audience would expect, especially… well, everything… but ESPECIALLY Idiots For Dummies, which only two of you liked to begin with (me and my friend Cody). I think the comment on that that just says “huh” is quite telling. Saturday will feature something new that is way more palatable. Either way, I encourage you to get in on the party if you’d like, because internet comment culture is one of the funniest and saddiest parts of the internet (as will hopefully be proven upon the release of my long-fabled “Experiment In Internet Comments”). My friend Gordon (Posnab) has already gotten in on the fun, even if it was fueled by utter hatred. And here is a sample of the true power of the comment by my friend Ryan:
As someone who is very familiar with the Decembarists[sic] I have to say this new columnist really missed the mark. It’s nothing like some of their songs. The fact that cracked let this no talent, seal fucker post on their site make me start to loose faith in the whole idea of transient comedy websites.
If cracked would only make a poll, like a voting system. Something they can’t rig. Paper ballots, yeah! We mail them in. They would be votes to vote Cody off of cracked.
mail all paper votes to: Who’sCody?IHateHim! P.O. box 5535530 Anahiem, NY 134%7
I’ll just hold on to the votes for now. Yeah, king of votes. The sweet ass king of votes! And I’ll crush shitty columnists like “Dr” Mister Cody.
WHAT ARE YOU A DOCTER[sic] OF CODY? Too afraid to tell us?
Oh, I know! your a docter[sic] of boring the fucking crap out of me.
You are boring and not funny. You are physically small and that makes you less than. No matter what you post, no matter what sacred cow you slaughter next, I promise you this: I will not laugh once at your dumb shit!
you are garbage, I mean, you are a non person. A hollow shell filled only with the lonely sounds of stolen Simpsons’ jokes (seasons 3-9.5)
There is no hope for you. 2 Days we’ve let this shit stay up.
WE’LL[sic] COME ON INTERNET! Lets rise up and tear down one Dr. Mister Cody. King for two days!
You better hope you die of natural causes before I get a hold of you!
on the plus side though, that voice was hilareus[sic]
Seriously, try it, it’s fun.
People absolutely did (and some still do) think that I hacked onto the site and posted my stuff. Here is an actual thread I was made aware of that contains someone so firmly believing the site was hacked that they had to ask the staff. The sad truth is, though, that I did hack the site. It’s simple to do and here’s how I did it…
1) I bought an awesome computer.
2) I wrote every day (This step is done throughout all steps).
3) Last winter, my dumb friends had a “Facebook Dance-Off Challenge.” I participated and made this.
4) I watched LOST from 2004-2008 and fucking loved it.
5) The pipes in my bathroom froze.
6) The pipes in my bathroom burst.
7) I waited for the plumber and made this because of step 4.
8) I wasted too much of my time making all of these because of step 4.
9) I was told that no one at Cracked watches LOST and to “please make us something that’s not about LOST.”
All good things must come to an end, just like when you die in the future and, upon reaching Heaven, God grants you the ability to think like a normal human being and you’re all “Oh, wow, there’s so much I didn’t understand when I was alive. If only I were smarter during that time of living, maybe I’d have learned something from that Idiots For Dummies book. To take this thought even further, if I were smarter during that time of living, maybe I wouldn’t have even bought that Idiots For Dummies book, because I would have gotten the joke upon reading the title. Unfortunately, I instead read the whole damned thing and just went ‘DER DER DUMMY DUM DOO!’ because I was the stupidest moron that ever dumbed.”
And so this experiment comes to an end. Yes, I have regrets. My greatest regret? Writing this book. My second greatest regret? Getting this book published. I do, however, have at least one triumph, which is that I spent an entire book talking about idiot dummies like you and I managed to refrain from using the word “imbecile” until the last chapter, because I assume you have no idea what that word means. Upon reading that word, you’ve just done one of two things: 1) You looked at the word imbecile and went “DUHHHHH, WHATEVER” and kept reading, or you 2) looked at the word imbecile and went “DUHHHHH WHAT” and stopped reading. Then you asked all the kids in your preschool class for dumb fucking adults how one might find out what a strange word means. They couldn’t help because they’re dumb fucking adults in preschool, but your slightly smarter teacher handed you a dictionary, and you spent 3 years figuring out how to use it. Six years later, you found the word “imbecile” and found out that an imbecile is essentially an “idiot” or “dummy.” Then you were all like “DUHHHHH WHAT” because you don’t know what idiots are. Luckily there’s a book out there called “Idiots For Dummies,” so you bought a second copy of it and began reading. You got to the last chapter, stumbled upon the word “imbecile” and you are now either stuck in an eternal loop and you will never read the next paragraph, or you did Option #1 and we can finally put this whole mess to rest with the following paragraph.
I think we’ve learned a lot about each other. I’ve learned that you can’t teach dummies a damn thing, nor can you teach idiots a damned thing, nor can you teach morons that the first item in this list is the same thing as the second item in this list and the third item in this list is awfully similar to the first two items in this list. That’s what I’ve learned. What have you learned? You’ve learned that-
To Be Continued…
That was the last remaining page of the only remaining partially damaged copy of “Idiots For Dummies.” There are many mint condition copies, or so it says in the Table of Contents, which is fabled. Also it’s right here:
Idiots For Dummies: Table Of Contents
Foreward by author Dempsey Mudlock
Chapter 1: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 2: Those Same Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 3: Developing A Relationship With Idiots
Chapter 4: Understanding The Idiot Language
Chapter 5: Confusing The Idiot Language
Chapter 6: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 7: Proper Arrangement Of Your Collection Of Idiots
Chapter 8: Keeping Idiots At Bay
Chapter 9: What Idiots Eat And How They Can’t Eat It
Chapter 10: Idiot Knock-Offs And How They’re Basically Just Idiots
Chapter 11: How To Read
Chapter 12: Alarming Statistics About Idiots You Are
Chapter 13: Using Political Humor To Confound Idiots
Chapter 14: Acting Like An Idiot And How It’s Not Really Acting For You
Chapter 15: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 16: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 17: The Sunday Comics And How You’ll Probably Like Them
Chapter 18: These Dick Pills Make You Smarter!!! Click here!!!
Chapter 19: Advanced Idiots
Chapter 20: Suicide (or How To Get Rid Of Idiots)
Chapter 21: An Idiotic Take On Idiots
Chapter 22: Geography, Idiots, and Some Third Thing
Chapter 23: Four Famous Idiots And How They Were Smart
Chapter 24: The Opposite Of Idiot Is Not “Idiot”
Chapter 25: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 26: An Idiot Speaks Out
Chapter 27: What Did You Do Today? (A Glimpse Into The Life Of An Idiot)
Chapter 28: TV Break
Chapter 29: Tolerating Idiots (How Do You Live With Yourself?)
Chapter 30: The Basics Of Idiots
Chapter 31: Chapter Zero
Chapter 32: Explaining Why The Previous Chapter Was Called “Chapter Zero”
Chapter 33: You Still Don’t Get It (or It’s About Time To Give Up)
Chapter 34: There Will Be Pictures Soon
Chapter 35: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 36: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 37: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 38: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 39: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 40: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 41: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 42: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 43: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 44: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 45: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 46: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 47: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 48: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 49: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 50: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 51: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 52: PICTURES!!!
Chapter 53: The Basics Of Idiots
Epilogue: Rereading This Book Vs. Rereading This Book
Note: if you seem to only have a partial copy of Idiots For Dummies, you can find many mint condition, fully intact ones.
There is no Chapter 34, but that doesn’t matter right now because you’re not there yet. What chapter are you on? What chapter is it, buddy? Just look at the number next to “chapter.” To help you along, “numbers” are things that don’t look like A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, W, Z, a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, or z. “Numbers” also don’t look like punctuation. “Punctuation” is… okay, look: Numbers are any combination of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 0. Does that help?