January 2009
25 posts
Opening Paragraphs
I have realized that I haven’t written anything substantial in longer than I would like. By “substantial,” I mean something like “The Curse Of The Moongician” or “The Big Big Meal,” which are my favorite kind of things to write. But, you know, I’m a super busy guy. Busy being cool, sleeping, and making LOST videos that make me laugh. I felt...
This can of Red Bull says, “lightly carbonated,” which it is. I can tell because there’s this feeling that my stomach is bleeding internally (as opposed to my stomach bleeding externally, which I would not really worry about. What would I worry about in that situation? My stomach is apparently outside of my body). The can also says “serve chilled.” Is Red Bull...
Let's say you know someone named "Randy"...
And you are trying to get a hold of this Randy person, so you make a phone call, and Randy doesn’t answer. Someone else does, so you say, “Hi, I’m looking for Randy,” but don’t you really mean you’re listening for Randy?
Answer #1: Probably not.
Answer #2: Who cares?
Sequels They Should Make To Movies I Will Never...
Dreamcatcher 2: There Was A First Dreamcatcher? Million Dollar Corpse Save The Second To Last Dance 4 Fastest 4 Most Furious Major League 3: Back To The Minors 2 Two Hour Photo Amistad’s Bogus Journey Saw 2
The Greener Mile That Was Longer Than A Mile Somehow
Feetloose
Obama Resigns
“Already done enough,” says Prez
This Monday will mark the official resignation of the 44th President of the United States, insiders say. After not even a full week as President, Barack Obama feels he has already “done enough for the country” and will no longer be able to govern because he doesn’t really feel like it anymore. “I had a good run,” says...
The Horrors Of Facebook, Part 2
There are way too many people on Facebook with the quote “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die” in their Favorite Quotes section. The worst part, though, is that all of these people attribute the quote to the Dave Matthews Band. It’s from the fucking Bible, you horrible, horrible morons. What are you, like 15? Oh, wait. You still love the Dave Matthews Band…...
Bush's Letter To Obama
Dear Barack,
Uh… Hehehehe…
Love,
George
Open Letter From Whatever Bush's Dog Was Named To...
Dear your name, First thing’s first: Welcome to the White House! The next 4 or 8 years of your life are going to be a real roller coaster ride. Second thing’s second: I’m a dog, so what’s a roller coaster? As the nation’s First Canine, you’re going to feel a lot of outside pressure to be a good and responsible role model for American puppies everywhere...
The Curse of the Moongician (And Other Tales to...
I am reposting this for two reasons: 1) I told myself I would not post something about LOST today and 2) I am busy at work and will not be able to write anything. So… this requires no work on my part and is definitely not about LOST.
Woo…
Today’s Nightmare…
The Slightly Haunted Mansion Party Across The Street From The Significantly More Haunted Mansion Party The...
Immediate Inaugural Reactions
Yo-Yo-Ma has still got it, although nothing compares to the Monsters Of Strings Tour ‘92. Those in charge missed the opportunity to share with us what Forest has to say about Vietnam. During the shots of random celebration across the country, all I wanted was a bunch of Ewoks to start singing. The blue Force ghosts of Lincoln, Kennedy, and Yoda would have been appreciated, too. Historical...
Radiopants Radio: Every One Of Stuff Pondered
Previously on HUDSON
Yesterday, a plane had to make an emergency “landing” in the Hudson River. There were no survivors, but 3 years later it will be discovered that 5 people actually did survive and one of them had given birth to a baby boy while in the Hudson River. The survivors, dubbed the “Crashed Plane 5 And A Baby,” say there were no other survivors and nothing weird happened or...
Golden Globes Attended, Acknowledged
This past Sunday marked the Nth annual Golden Globe Awards, which honor the best in television and film kind of. The stars came out in droves to get an idea of who might win an Emmy or an Oscar later this year. As it turns out, some people will, some people won’t, some people might, and some people might not.
Much of America probably watched the ceremony, and many of them thought one of...
The Curse of the Moongician (And Other Tales to...
It has been a while since I have written one of these, and I can not seem to fall asleep, so I figured maybe a spooky story would help make me tired. I wrote this and now I am going to go find and read a spooky story.
The Goblynnes Who Dannce And Singe Then Steale Ouw’r Thyngs
We, of towne, are blount and bwind
We live in a towne of b’wunder
We, of towne, are staunte and whymmed
And I, the...
Best E-Mail Ever, Part 2
So my little video about that horrendous e-mail I got has been removed from YouTube for violating… something. Perusing their “terms of violation,” I can’t seem to determine what I did wrong. The only thing I can really think of is that I said, “Now here’s my penis” and I didn’t actually SHOW it. So maybe someone complained because they would have...
Dear Futurama,
If an alien were in a rock band, and that alien was totally rocking out on the guitar, his guitar amp would be a Martian Stack.
Feel free to use that, because I’m not going to. You should probably take it now before they make Spaceballs 2.
The Bandy Folk – Back To Was
I can’t get...
Interviewin' With Dr. Mister Cody (with special...
On the way to recording, my associate and I came across someone who looked remarkably like Damon Lindelof, co-creator of ABC's LOST. With the 5th season starting soon, we convinced him to let us ask him a few questions...
Dr. Mister Cody: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us, Damon.
Lawyery Gordy: I was going to say that, too, Damon.
Damon Lindelof: My pleasure, Mom. (to Dr. Mister Cody) Dad.
Dr. Mister Cody: That was weird.
Lawyery Gordy: Let’s get down to business.
Damon Lindelof: Change?
Dr. Mister Cody: What?
Damon Lindelof: Do you have any change?
Lawyery Gordy: Oh! Like are we ready for some of our favorite characters to go through some pretty fundamental changes?
Damon Lindelof: God bless you.
Dr. Mister Cody: Ummmm… Thank you?
Lawyery Gordy: Now, Damon, you’ve written many of the show’s most memorable episodes. Is there any particular character you like to write for most?
Damon Lindelof: None of ‘em! Let ‘em all go to hell!
Dr. Mister Cody: So, you’re going to go on the record as saying that the island is actually Hell and the characters really ARE dead?
Damon Lindelof: We’re all dead, man. All of us. You, me, you. I saw so much death during the 40’s and 70’s. They’d take a guy just like you and cut his arm off for no reason at all.
Lawyery Gordy: Just like me?
Dr. Mister Cody: Just like the armless scientist from the Orientation videos. He’s missing an arm! Wow, this is pretty revelatory stuff.
Damon Lindelof: Not to mention the cotton candy machine on the third floor.
Lawyery Gordy: I didn’t expect Damon Lindelof to talk in puzzles so often.
Dr. Mister Cody: Acutally, I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t Damon Lindelof.
Lawyery Gordy: That is just like you. You think you know so much about LOST. We’re all fans, Dr. Mister Cody.
Dr. Mister Cody: Yeah, but not like me. I’m such a big fan that I know this isn’t Damon Lindelof.
(Damon Lindelof has been chewing on his own face)
Dr. Mister Cody: Fine… Now, Damon, you’ve been working on the show since its conception. This past season has laid to rest a lot of fan speculation that you don’t actually know where the show is going. But you, of course, do. How does it feel?
Damon Lindelof: Feels good.
Lawyery Gordy: See? That was definitely a straight answer.
Damon Lindelof: Feels really… really… good.
Lawyery Gordy: Such passion!
Damon Lindelof: I can’t remember where I left my mother.
Dr. Mister Cody: This… isn’t him, Gordy.
Lawyery Gordy: He’s talking about Claire, idiot. Claire’s a mother… she disappeared… no one knows where she is. He’s not crazy.
Damon Lindelof: You call me crazy, boy?
Lawyery Gordy: See, that was another response. He definitely knows we’re interacting.
Dr. Mister Cody: I’m going to ask him if he’s Damon Lindelof, and we’ll use that as a jumping off point.
Lawyery Gordy: Fine. Embarrass yourself in front of Damon Lindelof.
Dr. Mister Cody: Are you Damon Lindelof?
Damon Lindelof: Not really, no.
Lawyery Gordy: See? More non-commital answers. Just like on LOST!
Dr. Mister Cody: That’s a good point… I feel like if we were interviewing the creator of a different show, it would be much easier to tell if they were crazy or not.
Damon Lindelof: I’m not crazy. I’m just homeless.
Lawyery Gordy: Hear that? He’s just homeless.
Dr. Mister Cody: WHY are you homeless?
Damon Lindelof: Too crazy.
Dr. Mister Cody: Have you even HEARD of Lost?
Damon Lindelof: OH! On ABC? Hell, yeah. That shit’s crazy. I’m on the fourth season and I STILL don’t know what’s in the hatch.
Lawyery Gordy: Thanks for your time and insight, sir.
Damon Lindelof: Can I crash at you guys’ place tonight? I got these shoes that tell God to make it rain.
Lawyery Gordy: It would be my pleasure, Mr. Lindelof.
Dr. Mister Cody: I think I’m going to stay at the YMCA tonight.
Damon Lindelof: Don’t bother. I burned it down.
Had a way fun Bernards show this weekend. Made a whole lot more money than we thought we would. Over the next few days some, most, or all of The Bernards will be in the studio recording an EP. Probably just most, but it’ll still be a blast and hopefully a productive blast. Also got some good video of the show, so hopefully that will be up sometime soon. Other than that, working on a...
