Going to Cleveland tonight. Should be fun (and funs). Happy New Year to you all. Chapter the First of The Big Big Meal can be found here.
Chapter The Second: In Which Our Hero Wants A Refill
The hatless man took another bite of his Crab Bang Boom. It was delicious when he received it and it was delicious when he took the bite mentioned in the sentence before this one. Unfortunately, it was also filling. He had managed to eat about three-fourths of one of the steaks from his Two Steaks And A Steak, but he was already getting full. The other two and a quarter steaks were just sitting there, taunting him, as were the countless other menu items sitting in front of him. He was beginning to get cramps.
"Ah, well," he thought. "That’s what you get when you get a big big meal."
"You also get a big big meal," thought the hatless man’s many-named lizard.
"Very true, Madam Sandler," the hatless man responded, thought-wise. "Very true."
The lizard began to eye the hatless man’s Crab Bang Boom. The hatless man noticed this and ripped off a piece, bringing it close to the lizard’s mouth.
"HEY HEY HEY!!!" shouted Corporal Manager from across the restaurant. "Every bite must be eaten by you or it’s not free!"
The hatless man frowned. “This is bullshit,” he thought. “We both came here to eat… What if we were on a date?”
He popped the piece of Crab Bang Boom into his own mouth. It (the Crab Bang Boom, not his mouth) had begun to get soggy, though it was still warm. He swallowed, and he could feel his stomach churning. It had been working overtime ever since his fourth bite. It was almost like his stomach had a mind of its own. Of course, ever since the surgery, it did.
"Please," thought his stomach. "No more."
"You’ll do what I tell you!" the hatless gentleman shouted to his belly. "Unless of course you can pay for this enormous meal somehow! Do you have some secret bank account only you can access?!? Because to the best of my knowledge, you only have ONE secret bank account, I can access it, and it’s completely empty!"
The entire restaurant was now staring at the hatless man and his lizard.
"Take a picture, it’ll last longer," quoth the lizard.
"Never mind them, Jamiqua," said the hatless man as he took a bite of his Towering Taco Taster Tummy Treats. He glared at the crowd until they looked away.
"You should take your own advice," the lizard pointed out.
"You should be a human being," snapped the hatless jerk.
The lizard begrudgingly kept quiet. It stayed on the hatless man’s shoulder, digging its claws into the skin perhaps a bit too much, but it left the hatless man to his meal.
Elsewhere in the restaurant, the last table was sat and Branby’s Fine Foods and Water was officially full. Although some people occasionally glanced up from their food to visually question the incredibly large meal sitting in front of the man with no hat and a lizard, everyone seemed relatively happy. Many were even enjoying themselves. Some were families, more were softball leagues, and none but one were a hatless man and his lizard.
Quite suddenly, a man in a hat entered through the front doors and approached the pretty young thing operating the “please wait to be seated” podium. He glanced at her name tag.
"Excuse me… Fred?" the man in a hat asked.
"That’s right," she responded.
"I’d like a table for one and a little bit, please."
"A little bit?"
"Yes," responded the man in a hat as he pulled something quite small from his pocked and showed it to the girl. "The little bit is for my egg," he said. At closer inspection, the object did indeed remind her of an egg.
Fred looked in her secret book of table information as the man in a hat returned the egg to his pocket. She glanced up.
"I’m sorry," she said, "But there will at least a four chapter wait."
"There will be at least a thirty-minute wait, sir."
The man in a hat briefly glanced at Fred’s breasts, then glared at her for a moment. She smiled, because that’s her job, and the man in a hat performed a quick scan of the restaurant. He could just barely see a small green tail next to the back of a head that quite noticeably did not have a hat covering it. The man in a hat glared in that particular direction for a longer moment then he glared at the pretty young girl.
"Fine!" he spit. "I will be back in a few chapters, then."
"What?" asked the girl.
"I said I’ll be back in a half hour, you BITCH," the man in a hat muttered. He turned quickly. Almost too quickly. Inhumanly, perhaps?
"No, just quickly," said the man in a hat as he huffed off and out the front doors.
Fred shrugged to herself and went back to her crossword puzzle. She needed a four-letter word for “man’s name used as girl’s name,” but she could not think of anything. She wasn’t very good at crossword puzzles and it wasn’t a very good crossword puzzle, so she crumpled it up and threw it on the floor.
"You’d better pick that up!!!" shouted Corporal Manager from across the restaurant.
Fred sighed and picked up the puzzle as Samanda the Waitress walked by her.
Normally she would stop and talk to Fred for a bit, but she was having a pretty hectic shift. She had not even been back to check on the hatless man’s table since she brought him his food.
"Table 9’s been sat," Fred told Samanda as she passed.
"Well, they’ll just have to wait," Samanda told her, and she walked to the hatless man’s table. It seemed like he was taking a break from eating at the moment. Half of his meal was not even touched, and the other half wasn’t even half-eaten. He was just sitting there, humming to his lizard and chewing on his drinking straw.
"Well if it isn’t my favorite customer with no name," Samanda said as she arrived at the table.
"Who’s your favorite customer WITH a name?" The hatless man asked.
Samanda laughed. It may have seemed like the hatless man was being funny, but he was not. He was a petty, petty man, and he really wanted to know who else this waitress may enjoy the company of.
"I’m sorry I just ended a sentence with a preposition," said the author.
"It’s okay," the readers responded in unison. "You can keep doing it."
Samanda giggled a bit more. She looked at the hatless man and replied, “Oh, I don’t have a favorite customer with a name. It’s you all over.”
This made the hatless man very happy. He smiled, showing that what she said made him happy.
"Everything taste okay?" she asked him.
"Oh, yes, very much."
"Can I get you anything else?"
"A second stomach would be nice."
Samanda laughed, not knowing the hatless man was once again being deadly serious.
"Well, I don’t know if I can do that," she told him. "But I can get you a refill. Do you want a refill?"
The hatless man glanced at his empty glass.
"Yeah, sure," he said.
"Can do. What were you drinking?"
The hatless man opened his mouth to respond.
"I’m kidding, of course," she said. "We only have water."
She grabbed his glass, gave him a wink, and walked off to the Designated Watering Zone. He watched her leave and could only think one thing: Her naked body, although covered with clothes, was probably smokin’ hot.
"I think she likes you," said the hatless man’s lizard.
"Thanks, Tiger Beat," said the hatless man. "I think I like her, too."
The hatless man, now in a much better mood, took another bite of his Crab Bang Boom. He was not at all close to finishing it, let alone any other item he ordered, but at least he had something to eat forward to.
"Keep it coming," thought his stomach.
"Don’t tell me what to do," the hatless man muttered.
Outside in the parking lot, a man in a hat furiously paced back and forth. He was not hungry, he was not thirsty, but he desperately wanted a table. Anxious and full of rage, he kicked a rock as hard as he could. It did not make a sound as it hit the nearby grass.
"No loitering!" shouted Corporal Manager from inside the restaurant.
The man in a hat looked up. He nodded to himself and softly pet his egg through his pants. He walked toward the street, knowing full well he would return.
Thus ends Chapter The Second of The Big Big Meal