This is an oldie but a goodie. Halloween was fun. I’m off to have more fun for the rest of the weekend. It may or may not involve blowing up a big ‘ol TV. Also, it will definitely involve blowing up a big ‘ol TV.
You might not know this, but tomorrow-slash-today is Halloween. That means we’re going to for sure see at least two things:
1) A shit load of the “whore” version of real costumes. Whore Nurses, Whore Mummies, Whore Enterprise Crew Members, Whore Cops, and Whore Norbits. Take this Whore Taxi Driver, for example…
2) A shit load of Captain Jack Sparrows. For those of you who may not know, Captain Jack Sparrow is the main character from the acclaimed Pirates of the Caribbean and the watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3. For the past 23 years, this has been the most common costume among males ages negative 4 to 65. Hell, even I did it back when the first movie came out because I was 18 and thought it might get me laid. Newsflash, call the news people, it fucking didn’t. And here we are in 2008, and we’re still getting bombarded by these guys:
One thing I look forward to, though, is the coming war between the Captain Jack Sparrows and the rising army of Heath Ledger’s The Jokers. You know you’ll see them, and you know they’ll be all “Let’s put some candy in that face” or “why so serious gimme some candy,” and you know as soon as they run into a Captain Jack Sparrow, an awesome fight will break out. This would be a good time to PhotoShop a Captain Jack Sparrow boxing a Heath Ledger’s The Joker. Instead, I’ll just show you this fuckin’ guy:
Bravo, dude. Bravo. I love that movie, too.
Anyway, this brings me to something I was going to PhotoShop: The elusive “Whore Heath Ledger’s The Joker.” I thought it would be funny, mainly because it would have just been creepy Heath Ledger’s The Joker’s face sittin’ on top of a really smokin’ bod and it would have had quotes like “Why so sexy?” or “This city deserves a better class of whore. And I’m gonna give it to ‘em.” But then I stumbled upon this lovely little lady:
And there she is. Whore Heath Ledger’s The Joker. The circle is complete.
Galactica Actual is a musical revue based on the hit series Battlestar Galactica. I was planning on releasing one new song from it every week until the show comes back on the air.
Unfortunately (and fortunately) it has come to my attention that Battlestar Galactica will be returning for the second half of its final season in about 11 weeks. Galactica Actual features at least 15 songs. SO… I am going to get started now. This particular song, titled “In Search of a Home Called…" is really just an introduction song. It is a little lazy and pretty dumb at the end, but that’s just how I roll (this time). Future songs will be much more… less lazy and dumb? So enjoy. If you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica, fucking get on that shit. It’s amazing.
Next time on Galactica Actual: Spinnin’ Up The FTL!
McDonald's Fries With No Salt Taken With Grain Of Salt
This past Monday, local McDonald’s fan Barry Colic ordered a medium fry from his favorite place: McDonald’s. He received them rather quickly and paid the kind but seemingly mentally unstable cashier. Upon inspection, he noticed his fries had absolutely no salt on them. He was not thrilled, but he ate them anyway. “McDonald’s fries are a trifecta of delicious,” explains Barry. “There’s the warm, there’s the grease, and then there’s the salt. I guess two out of three isn’t horrible.”
Colic was in quite a hurry that day, late for his BioChem Lab, so he scarfed them down with only a little resentment. “If I weren’t so late, I probably would have asked someone to put some salt on them, but it seems to me like that’s not the kind of thing someone should have to ask for.” Barry was not necessarily mad, but he was definitely disappointed. “I’d like to say ‘Beggars can’t be choosers,’ but I actually paid for these.”
Colin “The Senator” O’Malley, the fry cook working that day, feels bad about the ordeal, but claims it wasn’t really his fault. “There’s always a gamble with our fries, and America knows that,” says O’Malley. “One day your fries will be perfect, and another day they might be too salty, or cold and stiff, you know?” O’Malley adds, “Speaking of cold and stiff, my wife won’t fuck me anymore.”
Greetings. Do you not had enough tenses in your life? Well, let me told you, here at Verb Emporium, we just did having too many tenses. Simple past, present, subjunctive… You had named it! Our surplus of tenses was mean we have been slashed our prices! Future perfect normally is cost nothing. But I’ll be only charge half that! Everything here! Half of free! I was practically gave them away!
If you don’t having one of our tenses, then you didn’t had a Terrific Tense. That was been our Terrific Tense Promise! Total satisfaction at no charge! I would having to am crazy to sold them for these prices. Didn’t be a slacker! Picked up your tenses today! All tenses must be go!
Hello, Earth. Guess what? Aside from all this random goof-dickery (heard below), I also try to write real songs. This is a demo I recorded with my new toy. The song is called Point And Click Adventure. Don’t hate it. Much.
Cast and Creators of MADtv Unaware of Current Season of MADtv
This past Saturday, many cast and crew members of Fox’s MADtv were shocked when they stumbled upon a brand new episode of the apparently still-running sketch comedy show.
Around 11:25pm on Saturday, cast member Bobby Lee was getting ready to watch a new episode of Saturday Night Live when he began aimlessly flipping channels. “I ended up on FOX and saw that MADtv was on,” says Lee. “I figured it was a rerun, so I watched a bit, hoping it was an episode from the first season, which I think is the only marginally-good season.” Low and behold, the episode was brand new and had been filmed earlier in the week.
“I watched a little bit of it,” Lee continues. “There was a sketch I was in, so I thought I’d give it a chance, but it just dragged on and on and all of the characters were just so loud, you know?” Six minutes later, the sketch ended and Lee got on the phone. Adam Small, one of the shows creators, was contacted.
“Bobby’s call was part of a long series of calls I’ve gotten since the fourteenth season started… Jesus… fourteen?” says Small. He informed Bobby that he had no idea about the current season, even though he had apparently approved all of the sketches that have aired during it. “Maybe my memory’s fading, but I think I’d remember recent events if they involved running a show I created fourteen years ago. Fuck… FOURTEEN?”
Possibly the most surprised by this revelation are those who have just joined the cast. “I was thrilled and a little disappointed when I found out that there was a new season of MADtv and that I was in the cast,” says Eric Price, one of the four new cast members. “I mean, it’s awesome to finally get a paycheck, but MADtv? I haven’t seen any episodes of it, but I can just tell it’s probably pretty obnoxious.”
The cast and crew are not quite sure where to go from here. “We’re thinking about having viewing parties on Saturday, but really, who can sit through that shit?” muses Lee. “I just don’t think anyone cares, about the sketch ideas or the cast. I mean, I’ve been on the show for seven years and I’ve never even fucking heard of me.”
When asked to comment, Fox executive Peter Chernin released this statement: “There’s no way I picked up MADtv for another season. That’s like saying The Simpsons is still on the air… Oh, it is? Oh…”
This is exactly what I’m talking about (feeling bad for you). Now you all have to suffer. This is Mr. Woodchuck (of Full House fame) performing Michelle’s Smiling, which is a song by the incomparable Jesse Katsopolis.
I have moved around a lot throughout my life, but it has mostly been on the east coast and in the Midwest. Specifically, I’ve lived in South Carolina, Maine, and all around Ohio. I have only been on the west coast once, and it was definitely a blog-worthy experience.
I moved to LA for a week. I had just gotten out of a really bad marriage (in that I did it with an unhappy married woman) and needed a change of scenery. Also, I have always enjoyed acting, so I wanted to give the whole Hollywood thing a try. I went on a bunch of auditions and did really well, but nobody hired me because I wear glasses.
Then I heard about an audition for M. Night Shyamalan’s next project M. Night Shyamalan’s A Shocker on Shock Street. I had recently seen M. Night Shyamalan’s Piano Lessons Can Be Murder, and jumped at the chance to even just meet the guy.
I read the audition scene and he seemed to like my performance. In fact, he liked my performance so much that he said I could have the part. “But here’s the twist,” he said. “You have to let me blow you.”
I really wanted the part, so I closed my eyes and he began his fellatorial debut. So he’s sucking my dick, right? And I’m all, like, getting a blow job from M. Night Shyamalan. Here’s the thing, though… He finishes up, I look down, and it turns out he was eating out my pussy the entire time.
"I’ve heard of a happy ending, but this ridiculous!" I shouted. He didn’t get it, but we made the movie and it grossed 90 billion dollars.
My computer will no longer turn on. Since I was planning on buying a new one anyway, I am going to take it as a sign from the God I don’t believe in that I should buy it sooner rather than later. So for the next day or so I will mostly be posting old videos/sketches and random paragraphs I write at work. I know that will be disappointing to literally threes of you, but I think you’ll get over it. You are, after all, mostly my dad.
I would like to take this time now to briefly point out that I have amazing precognitive abilities. About a week ago, I posted a “joke” article about Al-Queda endorsing Obama. It was fun and mildly clever and awfully cute. Yesterday, this article came out along with countless others revealing that Al-Queda has indeed endorsed a presidential candidate, only it’s McCain. First of all, this is awesome. Al-Queda must know that whoever they openly endorse will be voted for less because of it. It’s fucking Al-Queda. So clearly they really endorse Obama. I mean, who doesn’t? Second of all, this means that technically… technically, I was totally right. Al-Queda’s way into Obama and I was the first to know. When you start calling me “The Prophet,” I won’t correct you.
One thing I’ve learned in all my years living in Lebanon is that I was born in Lebanon. Specifically, it was a small town called Town Lebanon, Lebanon. It’s weird how, when you look back after so many years, everything is so much smaller than you remember. Take this map of Lebanon, for example. I mean, come on! What is this, a country of quarks? Quarks being particles that are really, really small, like this map is really, really small. I also think it’s weird how the quark is Lebanon’s state bird.
I continued life in Lebanon and eventually entered tweenhood. This is when I made the decision to kill myself. Then I decided not to kill myself, but I got really into Clorox Bleach. I would buy a whole case of the stuff and just ask it how its day was. In Lebanon, Clorox is sold by the case. That phase ended quickly and the next day I drank it all and felt fine.
So this is a picture of a nice-looking Asian family. I don’t know what kind of Asians they are, but they adopted me for a brief period in the 90’s. I don’t know what part of the 90’s it was, but one of them was named Lebanon, which I thought was a remarkable coincidence. All of the others were named Ping. Also, “ping” sounds like “bing” which almost sounds like “bingo” which makes me think of dingoes!
These dingoes are adorable. When I turned 30, I visited Australia for a couple summers one year. My friends let me visit the Australian Zoo and I took this picture. Right after I took it, the baby dingoes turned to look at me and I said, “Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute.” Then they ripped out my eyeballs, but I was okay with it because I got to feel their soft, soft dingo fur. They kept the eyeballs, I look like a freak, and now I hate most people for being normal.
One thing that’s for sure not normal is this Leviathan. Just look at that weirdo. It reminds me of when I moved to and briefly lived in the small town of Town Leviathan, Leviathan. Please never go there, it’s full of magic. While living there, I had one of the strangest days of my life, and it was on a Monday. I call that day Magic Monday because magic was so involved.
This picture (School of Athens) represents racism. Do you remember that Italian painter who was cool but rude? His name was Raphael Ninja Turtle, and he drew this painting. Personally, I’ve never been to Athens, but I think it would be very racist. If you look at the colors used in the painting, you’ll notice “nigger” is not one of them (blue, yellow, and white, however, are all over the place). I think that is quite telling.
The last thing I want to say is that cell phones are questionable. This picture is of me in the future when we are all skeletons. We will still have cell phones in the future, but they will also function as our daily meals. They will still taste like cell phones, but they will be much better for you, nutrition-wise. Also, if you look closely at the picture, you won’t notice anything in particular.
In conclusion, thank you for listening to the only things I have ever done.
Be warned, folks. You are playing with fire (whether it’s Fire Theft; The Arcade Fire; or Earth, Wind & Fire).
Recently, the European Union has come out with yet another study showing that MP3 players are horrible for your hearing. If you listen for just 1 hour a day, five days a week, you are doing damage. If you do this every week for five years, the study shows that at least 1 out of 10 people are going deaf. Not losing their hearing. Going fucking DEAF!
This isn’t a problem for me, because I don’t have an MP3 player. Don’t feel bad for me, I’m fine with it. Most of the time I spend walking alone, I already have a song in my head. Granted, it’s usually a song I’m writing at the time or four very specific seconds of ‘Prince Ali,’ but I’m never at a loss for music when I’m alone. But YOU! You fucking kids with your iPods and your ZenSounders and your SongGuys… You need to be careful. There’s an old saying that comes from teenage losers back in the day: “If it’s too loud, you’re too old.” Try these out instead…
"If it’s too loud, turn it the fuck down."
"If it’s too… wait… what? WHAT?!?"
"If it’s too loud, thank God you can tell because that means you haven’t yet gone completely deaf."
So please, turn your music down. It’s too loud and you’re too young (to go deaf).
I work in the payroll department at a temp agency. Seventy-five percent of these temps are hispanic and the other twenty-five percent are liars. Of course, there is some overlap. This means that every day I get to see at least one new hilarious name. Here are some highlights: Duke Bunny, Diamond Cable, Goggy Napo, and Philander Goldtooth. For reals. Honestly, I only made up one of those.
So I have access to all these people’s bank information, which means I see everyone’s secret password (“palabra secreta”). Half the time their password is ‘Jesus,’ and the other half their password is just their own name. Half of that time, their password is still ‘Jesus.’
So I’d like to start posting songs of mine on here, but until I get my new awesome computer I have no real way of recording anything of quality. So until that happens, I’m going to every once in a while post older songs that you may enjoy. This first one is actually not one of mine. It’s by The Decemberists, but you’ve definitely never heard it before. It’s a hidden track on an album that doesn’t exist and it’s called The Hampshirefields. Please believe me.
Good Gods, I’m exhausted, and I blame everyone but me (you know who you are, everyone but me!). I’m already bored at work, so in the interest of having content up here other than an “I don’t like blogs, but here’s mine” post, I thought I’d post a little something more. I “found” this article “by” Jim Feathers yesterday in the Pagawana Detroiter. It’s just a testament to how truly ridiculous our democracy is…
In recent weeks, the McCain campaign has been running several ads attempting to link Senator Barack Obama to once terrorist William Ayers. Many undecided voters have been turned off by this allegation. However, in recent days, the smear campaign has been helping an unlikely individual: Senator Barack Obama himself.
Terrorists throughout the country have come out in droves to voice their support of the Illinois Senator. “When I first saw the ad, I thought it was a sketch on SNL or something,” remembers Timothy McVeigh (deceased), “But that guy is friends with and agrees with everything William Ayers has ever done? Hell, yeah, I’ll back Obama! Maybe some day we could blow something up together.”
Even overseas, terrorists are shouting “Gobama!” and sometimes even “Go Obama!” Many members of Al-Queda have just received last week’s television broadcasts and have finally seen the commercial. “We’ve been living in caves and our own shit for years now,” says Al-Queda operative Aldul Bahar, “So we have to go to the nearby village once a week, find a place with Wi-Fi (frequently a Wendy’s) and download all of last week’s shows.” He adds, “We usually end up exploding the Wendy’s… or Panera or whatever… so there are fewer nearby places to go to and, you know… we gotta get bikes or something.”
Meanwhile, some of these Al-Queda members have left life in the caves and gone to drastic lengths just to see their favorite shows when they first air. Al-Queda operative Naseen Hudon currently resides in Spokane, Washington, and when he is not plotting more horrible atrocities against the infidels, he can watch the most recent episode of Heroes in real time and then phone his friends back home immediately after to tell them what happened. “Oh, yeah, Aldul and I love that show,” says Naseen, “It‘s got this crazy LOST-esque mystery surrounding it. I mean, what the hell’s a super power?”
More than anything, though, these local and foreign terrorists are surprised. “I never knew America had a Terrorist Party,” says Kabul Nasad, a member of Al-Queda and President of their fan club. “If I knew that, I probably wouldn’t be trying to kill you guys. I’d probably just become a citizen and vote. You guys get to vote. Fuck. That’s so awesome.”
In light of this, the Obama campaign has decided to come out with their own ad, utilizing this newfound tactic. “It’s just another negative ploy from the ‘Hate’ Talk Express,” says Toddy Larson, an insider from the Obama camp. “We can turn it around. If knowing Obama is friends with a terrorist gains him support among terrorists, then shouldn’t showing that Obama is friends with Americans who will vote gain him support among Americans who will vote?”
Senator McCain does not seem to be worried. “We are going to stay the course, my friends,“ McCain assures. “My friends, my friends are not terrorists. My friends are the American people, my fr-” Then he falls asleep. Or dies, we’re never really sure.
Yup. I’m doin’ this. Even now, I’m typing and not sure if this is a good idea. It should be noted that I am completely turned off by 92% of the blogs out there, mainly because there are no porn blogs, but also because most blogs are either written by stupid people; riddled with links to other, better things; or just a way to talk about your friends in a really disjointed way that comes off as surreal and petty. The only thing I really like about blogs is that the word “blog” sounds like Nickelodeon’s latest mystery goop in a can (and I’ve totally outgrown Gak and Floam).
But it’s happening anyway. I kind of already regret it. If anything, though, I will be able to use this as an excuse/obligation to write every day, whether it’s a short story, a random musing, a song, or something hilarious (sometimes it might be all four! Woo!). Maybe I will finally be able to figure out if I’m a performer who wants to be a writer or a writer who wants to be a performer. I still like to think, though, that I’m a rock star who wants to be a rock star.
So hopefully I’ll update this every day. If not that, then at least every other day. Accept it and enjoy it now, because one day I’ll be famous and you’ll regret not getting in on the ground floor. Then you’ll probably die, because instead of reading my blog, you decided to eat Squand.