December 2008
32 posts
A submission from National Public Radio. A live...
Spring Movie Preview
This appeared in Cracked Magazine about a year and a half ago, before it became not a magazine anymore. It’s probably still funny, so here it is…
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT
Goosebumps fans rejoice! M. Night “M. Night Shyamalan” Shyamalan is turning your favorite childhood spook series into a movie! The first installment is about a...
November 2008
39 posts
Adult I'm Speaking To Clearly Just Little Kid On...
Listen, “sir,” I know you think you’re being clever. I know you think you’re fooling me big time and it’s only a matter of seconds before I approve this loan for you over the phone, but you need to know two things. One: That’s not how banks operate. You need to come in and fill out a loan application and we will discuss it face to face. Which brings me to Two: You will never come in and...
The Failed Thanksgiving Song
There are very few...
He was not full yet, but he knew he had quite a bit of meal left. Of course, he had no time to think about that now. Quickly, he ducked behind the bar as lasers whizzed by his head.
“Damn you, Dr. Colossotrope!” he shouted. ”Let the girl go!”
Dr. Colossotrope sent another barrage of lasers into the bar and began to cackle a fearsome high-pitched cackle.
“You...
Local Tweens Totes Caught Texting Behind Roller...
This past Tuesday, a collection of tweens were for reals seen texting behind the Dry Hump Roller Rink on 5th and Grind. The tweens seemed to think no one could see them texting, but we totes could. Apparently, the back parking lot of this particular roller rink is a hot spot for the local tweenagers to text in an adult-free zone. “The ‘dults just don’t get it,” says...
The Biff Song
Hey, butt head, your flux...
The Literate South
Growing up, I moved around a lot. As an adorable child, I lived in Cincinnati and Columbus, South Carolina, and Maine. South Carolina is fine when you’re 9 (because it rhymes so well), but returning to the south with matured eyes is quite a different experience. A) It was the close-minded religious zealot-style south, B) It doesn’t rhyme at all, and C) A.
My parents moved to...
Vampire Le Fad
First of all, I am aware that the most recent episode of South Park has something to do with vampires. I haven’t watched it yet (there was a Tyler Perry’s House of Pain marathon on TBS (the “very funny” network)), but I’m sure it was, you know, about vampires.
Moving on.
Recently, there has been an insurgence of vampire-related media. The two most recent examples...
Galactica Actual: Helo And His Cylon-Occupied...
If I Had A Blog Five Years Ago
College is sweeeeeeet. It’s getting cold out, but it’s okay because the dorms are heated! Classes are great and learning is fun and all, but the beauty part is, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to go! That’s college for ya, huh? I auditioned for this improv group called The Talking Monkeys yesterday. Horrible name for an improv group, but they seem like...
Robot Feelings (Aren’t Real Feelings)
I...
I'm Sorry, I Just Don't See This Relationship...
We had a good run, we did. I still care for you, and I hope you still care for me, but I think it’s time we parted ways. I’d like to say “It’s not you, it’s me,” but I can’t. It’s not you and it’s not me. It’s my penis. Specifically, it’s your attitude towards my penis. Now that I think about it, I guess that would make it a...
My High School Theater Bio
Cody Johnston (ASTRONAUT #24) is a senior and proud to be appearing in his first show. He enjoys long blowjobs on the beach and candlelit candles. In the past, he has done crew for Bull Night Omega, Lazy Town Tales, Reach for The Void, and Lazy Town Christmas Tales. He is captain of the sports team and Sergeant-At-Arms for G.L.U.P.P.Y., an anti-drug and alcohol club for losers. When he...
The Curse of The Moongician (and Other Tales to...
In honor of Columbus’ first snow, I have decided to do nothing out of the ordinary. However, I would like to quickly point out that today’s snow did not look like snow. It looked like Dippin’ Dots.
Now, in honor of a very “productive” day at work, I have for you another installment of The Curse of the Moongician (And Other Tales to Tell ‘Round Midnight).
...
Chapter 6
“Oh, no thank you,” he muttered. “I couldn’t eat another bite.” But he would. He would eat many more bites.
End of Chapter 6
Due to popular demand (by which I mean “Ross”), I have posted this additional excerpt from my novel The Big Big Meal.
Generation Chaos (The Storm Before The Calm)
...
Coldplay Falls Asleep During Own Concert
This past Tuesday during a show at Red Rocks, the band Coldplay gradually and eventually all fell asleep during one of their songs. Some of them rested their heads on their instruments, while others went the horse route and just fell asleep standing up. The crowd began cheering to wake them up, but the band just slept right through it, staying stationary for the remainder of the concert. ...
Mule Pedersand conducting a live performance of...
What's Your Poison?
A PATRON walks into a bar, sits down, and looks at the BARTENDER
BARTENDER: Hey, buddy. What’s your poison?
PATRON: Hmmm… uh…. Hmmm… Rat?
BARTENDER: Right on.
BARTENDER gets out a bottle with skull and crossbones on it and pours the PATRON a drink. The PATRON drinks the rat poison and drops dead.
BARTENDER wipes down the bar and whistles to himself. He calls to the back.
BARTENDER: Colin! ...
A Fraction of a Glance at the Universe →
I haven’t yet posted a link or video that’s not something I’ve done myself, and I feel great pride because of that fact. Sadly, that pride can now melt away into shame, because this is too cool to not share.
For hours of entertainment, download the high-res version. It’s worth it. Also, don’t believe in aliens or anything. The numbers just don’t add up. Of...
GALACTICA ACTUAL: SO SAY WE ALL
So say we all:...
Some Kind of Theater Crap
So we filmed a scene of our movie (Olde College) today, mainly for promotional use but also to get the fire back. To preface this, the scene in question involves two cartoonishly Irish toughs (The Townies) roughing up a college student (Abe) in an alley in order to get him to call his mom and lie to her. Psychological torture— they’re big on it. So they each have switchblades and...
The Curse of the Moongician (and Other Tales to...
Today I was at work and had one of the most boring days of my life. I had literally nothing to do. So after pretending to use the fax machine for about an hour, I wrote this. I’m sure many like it will follow, as it is just one story in the enormous collection The Curse of the Moongician (and Other Tales to Tell ‘Round Midnight).
Today’s Nightmare: Nightmare at Nightmare...
BACTERIAL INFLECTION
Here is another song of mine...
“…and then he took an enormous dump.
The End.”-
-Excerpt from “The Big Big Meal,” an unfinished/unwritten novel by Cody Johnston. Don’t know how it starts or what happens, but I feel like it’s a pretty solid/logical ending.
Astrological Proportions
So I’m not a big one for astrology. I don’t very much believe in it, and just like that old adage from Aldous “Ford” Huxley, I would say “Astrology is bunk.” At the same time, though, I will occasionally read my horoscope by a “professional” astrologist, and it will describe exactly how I feel that day. So I guess you could say I’m like Fox...
My Twitter
Holy shit! I’m pooping! 4:07 PM Nov 3rd from web
My neighbor will not stop vacuuming! 3:23 AM Nov 2nd from web
Getting laid because of my new Star Wars hat. 5:43 PM Nov 1st from web
Just picked up new Star Wars hat and hooker. 4:46 PM Nov 1st from text
paaaaaarty puuuuuuke 1:03 AM Nov 1st from web
Can not stop thinking about that rock I saw. 7:23 PM Oct 30th from web
Ten feet from The...
Today's News
Last night, in one of the most important moments of American history, Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States. This morning, as the dust settled, things began to improve immediately. In a speech delivered this morning on the moon, President Elect Obama announced that he has developed a new technology which will run all automobiles on positive thinking. Similarly, the...
Imagine
Four years ago, there was another election we may all remember. A Mr. John “Milk Toast” Kerry versus George “Derg” W. Bush. We (and by “we” I mean “us wacky liberals”) voted and hoped for Kerry’s success, largely on the “Anyone But Bush” issue. We all had a lot of hope, we all had a lot of election parties, and we were all...
Tomorrow's News
Version 1
In an extremely unexpected turn of events, John McCain was elected the 44th President of the United States on Tuesday. After a long and arduous campaign, he somehow came out on top with 99% of the vote. Voter fraud is not suspected.
“My friends, this is a great day for me,” McCain began at his campaign headquarters in his private retirement village in Arizona. “I...
GALACTICA ACTUAL - Spinnin’ Up The FTL
An...
The Book of Enoch, verses 3:14-3:20
And the Lord spake unto Enoch, “I am thy Lord.”
And Enoch looked at him and said, “Prove it.”
The Lord did then say, “What?”
And Enoch did then repeat, “Prove it.”
And the Lord said, “I can’t.”
And Enoch did then glance up at the Lord and say, “Nice try, Larry.”
Whatever Happened To The Bears In The Sea?
This...